[ He won't leave him. Walking away from this moment would feel like the gouging out of his insides, the tearing free of his heart. Something so painful blossoms inside of him, as he holds tight to Liem's hands and regrets, so much, that he gave away something that
he didn't think anyone wanted. Not with the way they spoke of his dalliances with the Zenites, of his fluidity as he straddled the line between Meridian and Zenith, of his aching need to spread himself thinner and thinner among the world until he was mad with it. And all it has done, in the end, this act he thought was for the best, is drive some pain into Liem. He can smell it, feel it in the tremble of his voice. ]
I do love you.
[ It's hard to say, so directly. He's alluded to it before, hinted at it while he spoke of his feelings for the most painful people he wanted to understand and accept and have for his own. Never so concretely to Liem, but — saying the words had always felt cheap and fragile, compared to showing him. Proving it to him, even if he had to drag him around. ]
Nothing about the way I feel for you has changed, except — I do not love you at my own expense. I will love you and be more for you. I do not want to sacrifice parts of myself that are unlovable just to be able to give myself to you. And I do not want you to do that either. That — that is what my decision means, to me.
[ It means he doesn't want to be less than what he is, nor does he want that for Liem. ]
I may have given up my altruism, but I would never be able to love you any way but shallowly if I had it still. I would not be able to be greedy for you. Or even say these words.
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he didn't think anyone wanted. Not with the way they spoke of his dalliances with the Zenites, of his fluidity as he straddled the line between Meridian and Zenith, of his aching need to spread himself thinner and thinner among the world until he was mad with it. And all it has done, in the end, this act he thought was for the best, is drive some pain into Liem. He can smell it, feel it in the tremble of his voice. ]
I do love you.
[ It's hard to say, so directly. He's alluded to it before, hinted at it while he spoke of his feelings for the most painful people he wanted to understand and accept and have for his own. Never so concretely to Liem, but — saying the words had always felt cheap and fragile, compared to showing him. Proving it to him, even if he had to drag him around. ]
Nothing about the way I feel for you has changed, except — I do not love you at my own expense. I will love you and be more for you. I do not want to sacrifice parts of myself that are unlovable just to be able to give myself to you. And I do not want you to do that either. That — that is what my decision means, to me.
[ It means he doesn't want to be less than what he is, nor does he want that for Liem. ]
I may have given up my altruism, but I would never be able to love you any way but shallowly if I had it still. I would not be able to be greedy for you. Or even say these words.