[As Set supposed, it is easier for Liem to admit his own wantings when they do not come with the baggage of marriage, of what those wantings should look like and how they should manifest. Easier to wish for something when it does not by its nature imply a unity of purpose, a sameness in feeling and in desire. For a long time, he has not expected anyone to feel the same about him as he does about them. The idea of making someone think this, and then expressing his own feelings the wrong way, makes him queasy.
And yet, he has come to realise, he does Set a disservice whenever he insists upon ignoring the god’s affections, insists on pretending they do not exist. Even if Set’s feelings are Set’s and Liem’s feelings are Liem’s, he must find a way to live with both of them in his heart, and appreciate them for what they are.]
I have wondered this often, [he admits. Ever since they quarrelled after the Harbinger Oracle’s trial, and especially after the attack on Highstorm, he’s been plagued with thoughts about what he’d like to be between them—about why Set’s love frightened him so much, and why the idea of returning it felt not just impossible, but painful. And yet, how Set seems to have such skill at making him desire things with him that he’d never allowed himself to consider before.]
You already know, I think, that when I told you I didn’t know how to love—that wasn’t true. But all the same, when I have loved in the past, it’s always seemed to ruin something. Or to not be good enough. So I thought, the fault must lie with me.
[Though Set has denied this already: denied that being difficult or broken or unpalatable should make him less worth loving. But it seems difficult to believe, when he cannot fathom what about himself might be worth the trouble.]
When I say I wish to belong to you, I want… [He hesitates, evidently more self-conscious about this than he is about plastering himself against Set’s body.] I want you to be glad I’m yours. To be glad that I love you. Because, I do. And I… I want that to be valuable.
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And yet, he has come to realise, he does Set a disservice whenever he insists upon ignoring the god’s affections, insists on pretending they do not exist. Even if Set’s feelings are Set’s and Liem’s feelings are Liem’s, he must find a way to live with both of them in his heart, and appreciate them for what they are.]
I have wondered this often, [he admits. Ever since they quarrelled after the Harbinger Oracle’s trial, and especially after the attack on Highstorm, he’s been plagued with thoughts about what he’d like to be between them—about why Set’s love frightened him so much, and why the idea of returning it felt not just impossible, but painful. And yet, how Set seems to have such skill at making him desire things with him that he’d never allowed himself to consider before.]
You already know, I think, that when I told you I didn’t know how to love—that wasn’t true. But all the same, when I have loved in the past, it’s always seemed to ruin something. Or to not be good enough. So I thought, the fault must lie with me.
[Though Set has denied this already: denied that being difficult or broken or unpalatable should make him less worth loving. But it seems difficult to believe, when he cannot fathom what about himself might be worth the trouble.]
When I say I wish to belong to you, I want… [He hesitates, evidently more self-conscious about this than he is about plastering himself against Set’s body.] I want you to be glad I’m yours. To be glad that I love you. Because, I do. And I… I want that to be valuable.