[Konoha's fear slows his gesture to a crawl, caution making him reach for her as though through thick sap set nearly solid. He doesn't miss the break in her voice or the restlessness of her claws as they dig into the dirt, but nonetheless, he does continue to reach for her, coming closer until his knuckles can brush gently against the side of her face.
He understands her fear intimately, enough that he doesn't even register the hurt that aches deep down at her last words to him. I don't want to think blood tastes good. He can't blame her for harbouring such a natural revulsion, for fearing something so twisted and alien. Neither humans nor jinba were ever meant to sup on the blood of the living. To relish in such a thing is something Liem has always regarded as perverse at best, immoral and unholy at worst. Concern and deep sympathy wells in him as he gingerly caresses her cheek.]
I know, Konoha.
[If delighting in blood's savour was a choice, he would have long ago scorned it as vile, as repulsive and unclean. How dearly he would love to be able to say honestly that the thought of drinking live blood filled him only with revulsion.
But it has never been a choice. His only choice has ever been in how and when he indulges that desire, because to his shame, he has never been strong enough to abstain altogether—not for the century and more that he's walked the world. The best he can do is maintain the illusion of abstinence for as long as he can before seeking out willing participants in what he has long thought of as his concession to his baser desires. Only recently has he dared to be persuaded that he needn't think of those times with shame—but it has been a difficult and inconsistent thing to keep in his mind. Especially so in the face of such abject horror.]
It's all right. It's just the gem. You're still Konoha. [She's not a monster. Those desires aren't hers—not really. Unlike Liem, when she returns to her natural shape, she at least will be able to look back on the memory of her indulgences without any lingering trace of longing.] Try to remember the things that are important to you.
[In this moment, it doesn't even occur to Konoha that what she says out loud could be hurtful, because of course... in her mind, it's clear. She is a jinba, she's supposed to be a jinba, not whatever this cursed shape between two-legged and four was meant to be... and jinba didn't do such things. They didn't bite into their friends and lovers and suck the blood from their necks to sate their hunger, they didn't-
They didn't quiver and twitch with fear when someone they trusted implicitly reached out to touch them. Her claws dig in even harsher into the earth she's buried them in, a strange cracking sound emitted as she finds a root and begins squeezing it to try and fill her palm with something that wasn't Liem's flesh. He- He was trusting her, coming so close even though he knew better than anyone what the Wechuge form could do, and she had to-]
Liem, I don't want to hurt you...
[A few hot tears spill over his knuckles as she finds herself unable to stop leaning forward, at first perhaps just to anchor in the touch he offers her... but no, it's not that. She's smelling him, half-torturing herself with inhaling his scent... but unlike the far more affection-driven times she has "subtly" taken a little whiff of his spicy, citrus scent by taking advantage of their height difference to nuzzle into his hair...
This time he smells good enough to eat. Even with the hint of chill and black in his blood, there was manna in it... and the manna would make it better, she's sure-
She doesn't even realize that she'd opened her maw and bared her fangs until she barely manages to snap it back shut, swallowing heavy once, twice, her voice continuing to crack, even in the whisper.]
I don't think- I don't think I can do it like Liem can...
[What she perceived as self-control, how he was half of an undead creature that preyed on blood but he certainly wasn't... outside of that one terrifying night when he had been Wechuge, he'd never hurt her, no matter how easy she'd made it to feast on her flesh, not even in the times when she'd practically begged him to bite her. But was that... experience? Was that why she couldn't stop herself- ?]
Tell me how...
[The root cracks again in, in the pulsing clutch of her clawed fists.]
[Would that there were a simple solution that could trivialize the struggle not to give in to sanguine desires. Liem’s heart aches as he watches Konoha snap her mouth shut, denying the longing that so clearly occupies her thoughts. Even without the Nuckelavee’s cursed influence to cloud her mind further, he knows the call of blood by itself is impossible to ignore completely. Perhaps impossible to refuse for long at all, for one so unused to such a bestial craving.]
Syncing might help.
[He shifts the touch of his hand, now cupping her cheek instead of brushing it with his knuckles. At the very least, the manna might sate her cravings some, and steady her as syncing often seemed to. It helped his own blood-thirst as well, though it never really made it go away. To some extent, refusing to drink always came down to managing to convince himself that there were other things he wanted more.]
You wouldn’t like my blood, Konoha, [he says reasonably.] It’s not even properly alive. Besides, I have something important for you. Won’t you at least let me show you what it is?
[Syncing hadn’t helped the last time she had encountered a Wechuge. Every touch had left her feeling weaker. Once it (Liem, the body had been Liem, but not… that hadn’t been him, not really-) had dug teeth into her neck, everything bright and vibrant had been stolen from her, leeched away to leave her body cold and bloody, nothing at all how syncing, particularly the more intimate sort, could leave her body fairly humming with warmth and vitality. That duty had been left to Nikolai, who she’d had the fortunate misfortune to encounter after when they’d both been in need of healing.
But this time… this time her gem is emerald colored on her hip still, not the cloudy smoky quartz film of the cursed Gembonded of that time. This time… his touch does help, and she hungrily presses her cheek into his palm, desperate for that to be enough… even though she fears it won’t, because even though the little pulse of manna from that bit of contact does glow at the edge of her senses… a different pulse is distracting her. Like this, she can feel the slow pulse of his dhampir heartbeat, the blood moving beneath his skin, and though it’s sluggish and dark, though it tastes…
She doesn’t want to think blood tastes good, and Liem tells her she wouldn’t like it as if that was a good thing. No, it’s awful, she wishes he hadn’t said it-
But instead she locks her jaw as best she can, pulling her claws from the root beneath the soil to hesitantly raise them, anxiously flex her hands to see if she could trust herself to try and hold him without using that embrace to instead trap him, pull him close, wrench his head to the side-]
Y- you can show me…
[And she might guess what it was… If she weren’t trying so hard not to bite him. Now, it is just a distraction he offers her that she desperately takes, pleading with the gods that it will work.]
[Cautiously, Liem shifts closer to Konoha, his hand sliding down from her face to gently take one of her dirty, bloodied claws. He strokes the back softly with his thumb before brushing a kiss against her knuckles.]
I was waiting for a less hectic time to give this to you, but I think now is when you need to receive it.
[He speaks a short phrase in Taldane, reaching around to the small leather pouch hanging at his side and slipping his hand inside almost to the elbow. After a moment, he withdraws a gleaming key on a fine chain—a mirror of the holy symbol hanging around his neck, but wrought instead in all silver. Liem releases her hand so that he can carefully undo the thin chain's clasp, and gestures in silent offer to place it around her throat.]
This is the symbol I used to wear before I entered the princess's service. It's been with me for a very long time, but I want you to have it.
[His hands are small seeming, compared to hers that have twisted and elongated to match the gangly, misshapen limbs, the long, poisonous claws. Her fingers shake with effort that is required not to dig into his skin, to rip and tear, and now that he is holding it... there is something visible there that wasn't as obvious before. Bits of twine ragged and torn, rope burn on her wrists, and bits of leather still trapped between. Proof that she had attempted to neutralize herself by binding her talons away, afraid she might attack and hurt someone.
But at some point, she'd managed to rip them away, and bloodied that skin with fowl. Trying to distract herself still (or maybe just keeping an eye on her future meal), Konoha follows the movement of hand, watches as he pulls out...
A necklace, one she swears she has seen before, dangling off the neck of a traveling Taldoran monk of Abadar who'd found himself lost then found on a dream of Mt. Tsurugi. One that her daughter had laughed and giggled over, reaching for the shining pendant with tiny, warm hands, and now-]
Now... ?
[The tears in her eyes burn, and Konoha digs sharper-than-usual teeth into her lip to try and keep a handle on her desires, even more determined than before not to give in, her jaw spasming tight. How grateful she is, that the type gift she had dared to be selfish enough to ask him had manifested in such a personal, priceless shape. How horrified, that she would be so twisted and changed when he showed it to her.
She neither makes it easier nor pulls away from the offer to clasp it around her neck with the others hanging there, clearly visible from the disheveled way her kimono hangs half off her shoulders, her pelt wrap now too loose around her waist without equine withers. Instead, her voice breaks, touched beyond her current ability to express.]
[In the absence of any objection, Liem slides around Konoha’s side to stand close behind her, holding the pendant’s chain so the silver key dangles against her breast. Carefully, he reaches around her throat with one hand to grasp the chain’s other end, unable because of her antlers to simply lower it over her head.]
I can’t think of a better time.
[He draws the two ends of the clasp together, fastening it with precise motions of his claw-tipped fingers. It’s simply a silver necklace; there is no magic imbued in the pendant, no real functionality to it at all beyond a focus for prayers, and perhaps a means of holding a vampire at bay, should she ever encounter such a need. But it carries with it all his love and sentiment, which he’s discovered is an invaluable resource when fighting against one’s inner demons.
Settling the pendant in place along with its sibling necklaces, Liem leans forward, straightening Konoha’s kimono on her shoulders and then sliding his arms gently around her from behind. Tilting his head, he presses his lips against her temple.]
[She isn't worthy of such a gift right now, when she's twisted up like this and only the barest remnants of her willpower are keeping her from sinking her teeth into his flesh and sucking at the blood that would well up, and yet... He gives it to her, so sure and so kindly that by the time the silver chain is sliding against her skin and she feels the weight of the key-shaped pendant nestle against her breast that she is weeping openly. Her shoulders shake as she reaches for the necklace, but there's chicken blood smeared over her hands...
Smeared over her already somewhat stained kimono as she clumsily wipes her fingers so that they will be somewhat clean when she forces elongated, sharp digits to scrape over her collar (and yet she cannot poison herself, cannot paralyze herself, she's already tried) and find the pendant, clasping it in her hands fervently as a supplicant with a prayer. They matched, silver and gold...]
I love it... I love it so much...
["Thank you". The warmth of the synchrony born of his embrace, the kiss he presses against her temple, almost makes her feel like she's strong enough to resist the urges wracking her senses. She's afraid to touch him still, and so in place of the desire to hold she clutches harder at his gift, hanging her head and making a few strands of hair tangled in her antlers slip down or snag on a lower point in her rack. It's so selfish on top of everything else, yet-]
Liem, I promise, I'll try... I'll try not to bite you, so...
[Even though the idea of the sexual in this deconstructed shape, the far faster and stronger method for synchrony, was almost as terrifying as the idea of hurting him or draining him...]
Please don't let go...
[Maybe this could be enough, maybe it would soothe those darker desires that she worried might haunt her even after she returned to the jinba she was meant to be.]
[His fingers twitch faintly as she moves a hand up to her collar, aching to remove the scraps of leather and twine from her wrists, to clean away the blood and dirt and soothe the raw patches of skin. But he gives her what she asks for, first and foremost, and he doesn’t release the gentle circle his arms have made around her. Not yet.]
I know you will, Konoha. You wouldn’t have asked me to come otherwise.
[She surely wouldn’t have called him in a panic if she’d simply been intending to pounce on him as soon as he arrived. Even if that’s almost what ended up happening, he doesn’t hold any blame toward her for that. Liem presses his cheek gently against hers, extending this moment for just a little longer, wrapped around her as she clutches, weeping, at the bequeathed symbol.]
I brought something else too, if you want me to use it. I have a pair of gem-bindings.
[He can’t recall ever telling Konoha about them before. He hasn’t had many occasions to use them; the only time he recalls ever trying to put them on someone else was the time he lured Nikolai’s monster into his house. The last time he’d used them had been during Opalim, during his own curse.]
They won’t stop the cravings. But they will prevent a feral state, and make this form weaker. And… they might prevent the paralysis from working, as well.
[He's right. Even if she'd failed, and the first hint of a body rich with the blood and manna she craved made her lose control by accident, her intent... She wouldn't have called him for help if she hadn't at least believed she wouldn't hurt him. Maybe she'd just wanted to believe.
For a moment, she feels pitiful. Not because she's weeping, because she's never felt ashamed of that, and he has seen her tears enough to know what they mean, but because she is afraid to nuzzle back against his cheek even though she wants to more than anything in that moment. (Except no.... What she wants more than anything is to sink her teeth into one of the wrists wrapped around her waist. She wants to nuzzle second-most.)
He might never have told her that he owned a pair, but she's familiar enough with the gem-bindings after GemSci developed them to address the more feral transformations, and relief floods her, strange, half-jinba legs nearly giving out. Even though the idea of being bound or having her movement restricted in any way had always scared her, she'd managed to try to do it to herself, and if these had some magic in them that would keep them on...]
I want you to...
[Even if her hands shake a bit with fear, she just clasps the pendant tighter to keep them still, tight enough that it begins to leave an imprint in her palm.]
If the poison would just go away...
[Then she could hold him. Couldn't she? (Or did she just want to so that his throat would be closer to her mouth? She can't tell anymore, where her motivations and desires are coming from, and it leaves her feeling lost.)]
[Liem's first memory of these bindings hails back to the very first days he spent above Noctium, trapped in the Sky Station after his arrival while both above and below, gembonded lost their senses in monstrous transformations. He'd spent hours cuffed in his temporary cell, trembling with dread and confusion in an unfamiliar lupine shape. After being released in the city proper, he'd purchased a pair of bindings from Red during the very first opportunity he'd been afforded.
His worries proved largely unnecessary; except for a few isolated occasions, the months' transformations did not bring on a repeat of that feral state. But he's nevertheless kept the bindings charged since then, and he remembers well the few occasions he's needed to use them. For Liem, there was never any anxiety associated with the feeling of being bound; all of his worries were for what might happen if he wasn't. But he knows that isn't the case for her.]
It will be all right, Konoha.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, he slides his hands down her arms, coaxing her wrists closer until he can ease them free from the shreds of her makeshift bindings. Then, fishing the gem-bindings from his pouch, he fastens the first cuff carefully around one rope-reddened wrist.]
I won't let anything happen. Not if I can help it.
[And before she can object, he takes his fingers from her wrist and fastens the other cuff around his own.]
[She wants to believe him when he says that it will be alright. She almost does, even though the craving for manna and blood is like a pulsing migraine in the back of her skull. Because his hands are gentle on hers when they undo the scraps of her own binding attempt from her wrists, and he says... he says a line that is all too familiar to her.
I won't let something like this place or its curse keep any bit of you... not if I can help it...
The devotion, the love in those words... tinged with the dose of realism that had always grounded their relationship. The knowledge that there was always the possibility they wouldn't be able to keep a promise like that, not in a strange and sometimes dangerous world like this, but oh... they would try. So she tries, reluctant to release his pendant but surrendering her trembling wrists to him for one cuff, the sound of it clicking close making her shudder, but then-
The next click goes on Liem's wrist, as he binds himself quite literally to her side. At first, Konoha just stares, like she isn't sure what's even happening, before her head slowly cocks, her gaze seeks his.]
Liem... What are you doing... ?
[She means to ask more, she thinks, and yet- there's too much saliva in her mouth. She has to swallow.]
[As he locks the cuffs in place, Liem slips around Konoha's side so he has a proper view of her face. He seeks her eyes again, reassurance in his expression. There doesn't appear to be a keyhole in the bindings, or any obvious mechanism for getting them open again; they'll stay locked until Konoha's bloodlust has subsided or until they run out of magic—and this pair is fully charged. They won't be coming unlocked any time soon.]
I'm staying with you.
[He says this as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. Why else is he here, if not to stay with Konoha and take care of her while she's in need? Trailing from the locked cuffs, his free hand slides down briefly to grasp hers.]
You only need to wear one cuff for the bindings to function. And this way, you don't need to suffer your hands being bound together.
[What this means, of course, is that since Liem is also wearing one cuff, his powers are suppressed by the bindings now as well. There will be no spells of healing or alacrity or invisibility until he's released. But he'd rather not shackle Konoha like a prisoner when he doesn't have the means to unlock her again. Besides, he trusts her not to lose herself completely. He smiles gently at her.]
[The tears that had momentarily chilled on her cheeks in shock threaten to spill again at that simple, poignant answer. What is he doing? He’s staying with her, now, when she was afraid to be alone but so afraid to not be. Of course he is, it’s Liem, and after everything they’ve been through together she shouldn’t still be surprised, but…
Her lip quivers, and her fingers spasm anxiously when he takes her hand despite the stains and the claws and the strange, elongated and bony shape that she didn’t even properly recognize as her own. If she just dug her claws in… if she lost herself and dug her claws in, would it at least not be poisonous? She doesn’t want to test it…]
But now, you…
[Did that mean he couldn’t use those healing spells of his? Could he not change his shape anymore? She had to honor the risk he was taking and keep swallowing down the saliva rising her her mouth every time she took a whiff of how manna-rich he seemed.
She can’t help but look down at herself when he offers her assistance, down at what, admittedly, wasn’t helping her feel more like a person than a beast- her chin, chest, and hands still stained with fowl blood. There was… the river, or the little shower stall behind the barn, wet cloths from the kitchen… and it might be hard to change handcuffed like this, but…]
Please…
[The cuff around her slightly raw wrist brushes against her skin and pulls her eyes back to where they were linked, the soft glow of the charged cuff. She… she should buy a pair…]
I wish… I’d had these, when Liem was like this…
[If she had… Could he have been spared some of the pain of that cursed week? Would it have made it easier for him to keep control? Or with the curse… would it have even helped at all… ?]
[Liem fixes a look of confidence on his face as he takes Konoha's hand and begins gently to lead her away from the corpse beneath the linden tree, back towards the shelter of the barn. He's well aware of the danger that he's placed himself in; even without any paralytic venom, Konoha still has sharp teeth and claws, and she has always been stronger than him, even while not transformed. And he knows well that the effects of the bindings don't completely nullify this transformation's curse. Locked within her reach is not a safe place for him to be right now.
But that doesn't change his resolution to remain by her side. To some extent, he feels like he has to—not just because of what he did to her, but for the sake of every single person he harmed during those terrible nights months ago, and every single person she might pose a danger to if left to her own devices. He was never able to tally all the hurts he'd done during his vaguely recalled curse, and that unknown number still weighs on him. He doesn't want such a weight to lie on her conscience as well.]
Neither of us could have known that you would need such a thing.
[She would need to carry them with her all the time to account for a situation like that, where she hadn't been expecting to see him. She can't possibly blame herself for how things ended up happening.]
Besides… they were only a partial solution in any case. I used my own pair during subsequent nights, but it never helped completely.
[He's loath to say that eventually the blood-thirst had overwhelmed him even with them on, and he had ventured into the city to hunt regardless. That's not a comforting thing to hear right now.]
[It's easy to follow Liem, a bit shamefully so, when it means acknowledging she feels unable to lead in this state, taking the easy way out of just agreeing to what someone else offers for her. But there isn't... There shouldn't be need for shame or such things between them, not anymore, she should just go and be grateful, but what she is ashamed of... is that she doesn't look at the chicken corpse in the roots of the linden tree.
She's found something far more delicious seeming.
But walking is... disconcerting, and though she does her best to move towards the barn with him... it is slow going. She's learned how to operate two legs, but now she has two that don't move like human ones, she's some sick hybrid between forms, hunched down harshly both to match his height and also to try and minimize her presence. In the end, she has to manage the walk on three legs, using her oddly elongated arm as an occasional foreleg, and occasional tissue, wiping every few steps at the tears drying on her cheeks.]
Still...
[Maybe she'll buy a pair next she can anyway. And maybe it's scary, to hear him say that... it hadn't helped him completely. That first time she'd gone feral Chiron had still been at her side, and he had been physically capable of taking her down, but now... She wipes more tears off her face in between her awkward, shuffling steps, hoping that she feels herself weakening, hoping that strange sensation in her body is the poison shriveling, strength withering... because the bloodlust hasn't abated at all, gnawing at the back of her mind.
[Despite his desire to tend to Konoha properly, Liem tries not to hurry her along too much as they walk back to the barn. He's very aware of her awkward gait, the way she needs one hand to act as a makeshift foreleg as they progress, and he doesn't want to make things any harder on her than they need to be. He doesn't want her to feel any more dehumanized than her transformation has already made her.]
Not entirely.
[He pushes the barn door open a little wider so they can enter together, and scans the interior to see if anything else is obviously amiss. He's been here often enough that he knows already where Konoha's cloths and cleaning materials are kept, where her first aid kit lives in ordinary circumstances. But he wouldn't necessarily call these circumstances ordinary.]
When I was cursed, I felt wrung-out, empty, like I was withering to nothing and needed whatever I could get to sustain me. It was all-consuming. I couldn't think about anything else.
[He doesn't know if that's exactly how Konoha feels now. She seems more herself than he'd been for most of his curse, so maybe the Nuckelavee's absence has lessened the hunger that comes with his form.]
That's not normally how I feel. Normally my want for blood is more of a… lust. It's a very physical experience, and it can be overwhelming at times, but I don't feel like I'll waste away if I deny it.
[Konoha doesn't want these circumstances to be ordinary. No matter how she should have become used to the transformations, she'd gotten too complacent with assuming she would either be the barely-changed unicorn or the bipedal dryad, and this- at least the Nuckelavee had been sealed, perhaps that was why she was capable of regaining her sanity... and why her touch didn't leach his manna away, like his touch had drained her and left her near crystallization that dark night.
But he describes it as being unable to think about anything else, and she... She can think about other things. Can't she? Even as she follows Liem into the barn and finds that she's come up right behind him, close enough to inhale deep of his smell and how delicious it seems now, in a far more hunger-driven way than how she usually appreciated his scent...]
Oh, that's good...
[Com... paratively. She knew well about resisting lust, didn't she? She'd done it every time she went into season for years, and she'd survived, even if she'd been left feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. If hunger for blood could be like that...
She swallows, curling her free clawed hand around the key-shaped pendant once more to remind herself. Good, she could be good... She would be good... (Even if a voice in the back of her head wondered if it would be bad to indulge, just... just a little. After all, she wouldn't blame Liem if he gave in to the urge and asked, it was part of his nature, and if it was part of her nature, now-)]
Ouch-
[Thankfully, she hits her large rack of antlers on the doorframe, which pulls her abruptly out of those darker thoughts into a wince and hiss, accidentally jerking on his twist where they were bound together as she instinctively tries to reach for her head and cradle the bloody points where the antlers erupted from her skull.
At least... nothing in her home seems amiss beyond some traces of blood here and there in a line from her bed to the kitchen from where she'd paced back and forth trying to keep control of herself.]
[Konoha's pained hiss pulls a frown from Liem, more from concern than pain despite the sudden tug on his wrist. He lifts his free hand to trace gently over the base of one newly-emerged antler, stroking carefully at the bloodied skin of her forehead.]
Sorry about that, [he murmurs. He should have thought to caution her at the door, considering how much she already had on her mind.]
Let's take care of this, shall we?
[He lets his hand fall with one last stroke of her hair, then begins to lead her more cautiously across the barn, collecting some washcloths and heading over to the sink. Unfortunately, he doesn't think undressing for a proper shower will really be possible with them cuffed together like this, but even the cursory cleansing they can manage in her kitchen will still be an improvement. Liem turns the water on warm, then he starts with her hands, lifting the one he's cuffed and gently laving it under the flow of water. He's careful of her wrist, wary of the angry flesh there, but gently cleans as much of the blood and dirt from her skin as he can.]
I know it's hard to be like this. [He talks quietly as he moves his hands over hers.] To have cravings that seem… debased. But it's not your fault, Konoha.
[As pathetic as it feels to her, in a way, to want to be coddled at her age, in a shape that to her seems so monstrous that no one would naturally wish to touch it… She finds that she wants it, she does, to be pet and spoiled and told that everything was going to be fine, if she just closed her eyes and slept she would surely wake up better…
Konoha bites down another little pained sound and nuzzles into the touch on her bloodied brow, nodding a bit wretchedly. She wanted to be clean. To not smell her own blood, the chicken’s blood, in the hopes that perhaps without that his blood wouldn’t seem so appetizing. (Even though a part of her knows… it will still be just as manna-rich after she’s clean, it will still seem so—)
She follows him in her awkward shuffle to the sink, such a different gait than the swift, terrifying way of moving she’d displayed more under the influence of the Wechuge before. Obediently, she presents her hands for the washing, long spine hunching into a curl beside him, cloven hooves and odd cervid but two? legs akimbo on the dirt and rug flooring.
It feels good… his manna. Surely it’s working. That and the gem cuffs, they’re definitely working and they’re definitely going to make it easier not to want to dig her teeth into the side of his neck, that still looks so delicious even with all the fur she would get in her mouth-]
… how do you do it?
[Her voice creeps out in a shameful whisper, wanting and hoping that his experiences at abstinence will somehow be enlightening for her even with the inevitable differences between a natural dhampir and an emerald transformation.
Or maybe… maybe he didn’t really hold back from doing it, and just like so many other times he friends have kept secrets from her, it would turn out to be something he just hadn’t told her because he thought it would upset her, that it might scare her. She’s heard that one plenty.
And something twists, deep in her gut, hungry and wanting, as she surrenders her hands to his, pupils blown out as she watches him gently tend to her. Liem was kind… and he was good, and loyal, and he loved her enough, surely, to let her—
[Liem’s touch stays gentle on her hands as he washes first one, then the other, patting them dry with a towel with a mindful care for the rope burns on her wrists. The claws look a little less fearsome without the blood and dirt caked over them. They’re still strange, still warped almost unrecognizable from the gentle, callused hands he’s used to—but when they’re clean, they seem just a little bit more civilized. Like they could belong to a friend and not a beast.]
Ah, well…
[The question discomfits him a little, making him pause in the act of wetting a washcloth to tend to her face. The subject of his thirst, and his relationship with it, isn’t something he often speaks of, even with the people who are familiar with his nature. It’s not a topic that he’s used to thinking of without shame.
But after the small hesitation, he lifts the damp cloth to begin cleaning her face, starting first with her forehead and working his way gently down.]
In some ways, my world made it very easy for me to avoid drinking blood. I was not prepared to force myself upon the unwilling, and few would admit to wanting to submit to such a thing.
[This did not make it simple to suppress the desire to sink his teeth into something, to lap the blood from whatever flesh he might get his hands on—that of backyard fowl, of scurrying vermin, sometimes, in moments of desperation, even his own wrist. There was little satisfaction to be gained from such activities, but there were times that he simply couldn’t force himself to stop.
But it seems so personal to speak of such things. Even with the direct relevance it has on Konoha’s own situation, Liem can force himself only grudgingly to talk about it at all.]
There were of course times I did drink… from animals… or from a willing person. But… [He presses his lips together, pausing to fold the washcloth so its cleaner side is exposed. His voice is quiet.] It was never a frequent occurrence. To indulge with any regularity would be akin to dependence on liquor, or drugs, and such vices are meant to be below Abadar’s priesthood. They’re seen as destructive, to the self and to the community.
[The cleanliness... does help. Not as much as she wishes it would, but having no blood on her claws feels like a start. Or at least, she hopes it does. It makes her more eager to surrender her face to his ministrations and the warm cloth... and to inhale his scent so close, so appetizing seeming where his sleeve slides up to expose more of his wrist.]
Oh...
[She listens, she swears she's listening, because... If anyone knew about how not to drink blood it would surely be Liem? But if she were hoping for some innovative solution, some trick she hadn't been able to think of herself... she's disappointed. She has no right to be, but she is. It seemed the only way he kept himself drinking occasionally and not frequently was strength of will... the same sort applied to keep oneself off drink or vice... and before the Wechuge, Konoha had considered herself strong enough to avoid similar things. Now...]
Liem is so strong...
[Finally, her voice creaks out in a whisper, the hand bound to him yearning to tangle with his fingers but afraid to, for fear that even as cold as he was in comparison to her that it would be warm enough to stir something inside of her, that the feel of his pulse would make her ravenous. She has to swallow again, she's salivating too much at the idea--]
I'm afraid-
[Another swallow, to admit it, to try and put it into words. She wanted not to do it at all, she was afraid to find something as taboo as drinking blood to be delicious, but also-]
Even if... someone volunteered for that...
[Which is also... difficult for her to imagine, until she remembers that she had offered her blood to Chiron with no hesitation at all when he'd admitted that he needed mana to survive and it could be found there. Until she remembers that night in the forest when the Wechuge in Liem's shape had been savaging her neck and she'd thought... if he'd only asked, she would have given it to him. But that was... Chiron and Liem seemed strong, and used to those means and urges, but her- ?]
What if I couldn't stop... ?
[The chicken certainly hadn't survived her, had it?]
[Even as Konoha talks, as she confesses her worries bit by bit, Liem continues to clean the stains from her forehead, her cheeks, her chin. He rinses the cloth free of most of the blood, then returns one last time to clean her mouth, her jaw, her throat. For modesty's sake, he doesn't continue down to her chest. Not without asking at least.]
It's always possible something like that will happen.
[He admits it quietly, returning his hands to the sink so he can rinse the cloth one more time. Whenever blood drinking comes up, there's always the risk of cutting too deeply, of biting in the wrong place. Sometimes wounds bleed more freely than anticipated, or someone misjudges their limits, and indulgence turns to genuine injury. It can be a dangerous activity.]
It can be difficult to think about other things while drinking. And learning how much is safe takes practice. It's better to try hunting animals first.
[At least a killed rabbit or deer can be skinned and cooked later on. Control is less of an issue. As he considers the issue further, he squeezes out the washcloth and offers it to Konoha in a silent question.]
But if you're going to try, it's vital to make sure the other person has the ability to end things. You can't be on top of them, or hold them close while you're drinking, even if you feel in control.
[Personally, Liem finds his lap to be a very nice place for the person he's drinking from to be, but that might not be the kind of vibe that Konoha wants in this situation.]
[Even if she hates to hear it, Konoha appreciates that Liem is being honest with her, not sugarcoating anything... if the concept of drinking blood could be coated with sugar in the slightest. Her fangs prick into her bottom lip, tight enough that she nearly draws blood, but she can't do that, either... So she tries to focus on anything else. On the sound of Liem washing the blood cloth, diluting the scent... on the rustle of her hair as she cocks her head and sends strands of it caught in her antlers sliding or slipping down... on the new weight around her neck...]
I don't want an animal...
[She doesn't actually even realize she said it, quiet and reluctant, because what she wants more than anything... is what he tells her that she shouldn't. All the Wechuge body wants to do is take control from someone else, to hold them close enough to hear their hearts beating frantic and scared, to crawl on top of them and pin them down and dig her teeth in-
She slips up, and the fang digging into her lip does break skin. Even though it was her own blood, not the heat of something more delicious... it has enough manna in it to make her pupils dilate to more excited pricks of dark in the sickened color of her iris, makes a shudder run through her body even weakened as it was by the Gem bindings...
Konoha snatches the washcloth Liem offers her too quickly, too roughly, clutching it tight in her clawed hand and beginning to scrub, hard, at the blood staining her chest. If she just rubbed it off, if she just got rid of it... If she just kept sucking on her split lip, a rumbling, sick sound building in to the back of her throat...]
[Liem watches her scrub compulsively at the stains on her chest, her motions rough with a familiar desperation. He knows how it is to be overcome with the need to do something, anything to get your mind off of your desires. He knows about the urge to replace hunger and need with sex, with pain, with exhaustion, with whatever will serve to distract body and mind from the shameful obsession with blood.
But those distractions can be dangerous too—to the self, and sometimes even to others as well, in the end. Liem draws nearer, cupping his hand against her cheek and encouraging her to look at him. The hand cuffed to hers slides gently into her grasp.]
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no subject
He understands her fear intimately, enough that he doesn't even register the hurt that aches deep down at her last words to him. I don't want to think blood tastes good. He can't blame her for harbouring such a natural revulsion, for fearing something so twisted and alien. Neither humans nor jinba were ever meant to sup on the blood of the living. To relish in such a thing is something Liem has always regarded as perverse at best, immoral and unholy at worst. Concern and deep sympathy wells in him as he gingerly caresses her cheek.]
I know, Konoha.
[If delighting in blood's savour was a choice, he would have long ago scorned it as vile, as repulsive and unclean. How dearly he would love to be able to say honestly that the thought of drinking live blood filled him only with revulsion.
But it has never been a choice. His only choice has ever been in how and when he indulges that desire, because to his shame, he has never been strong enough to abstain altogether—not for the century and more that he's walked the world. The best he can do is maintain the illusion of abstinence for as long as he can before seeking out willing participants in what he has long thought of as his concession to his baser desires. Only recently has he dared to be persuaded that he needn't think of those times with shame—but it has been a difficult and inconsistent thing to keep in his mind. Especially so in the face of such abject horror.]
It's all right. It's just the gem. You're still Konoha. [She's not a monster. Those desires aren't hers—not really. Unlike Liem, when she returns to her natural shape, she at least will be able to look back on the memory of her indulgences without any lingering trace of longing.] Try to remember the things that are important to you.
no subject
They didn't quiver and twitch with fear when someone they trusted implicitly reached out to touch them. Her claws dig in even harsher into the earth she's buried them in, a strange cracking sound emitted as she finds a root and begins squeezing it to try and fill her palm with something that wasn't Liem's flesh. He- He was trusting her, coming so close even though he knew better than anyone what the Wechuge form could do, and she had to-]
Liem, I don't want to hurt you...
[A few hot tears spill over his knuckles as she finds herself unable to stop leaning forward, at first perhaps just to anchor in the touch he offers her... but no, it's not that. She's smelling him, half-torturing herself with inhaling his scent... but unlike the far more affection-driven times she has "subtly" taken a little whiff of his spicy, citrus scent by taking advantage of their height difference to nuzzle into his hair...
This time he smells good enough to eat. Even with the hint of chill and black in his blood, there was manna in it... and the manna would make it better, she's sure-
She doesn't even realize that she'd opened her maw and bared her fangs until she barely manages to snap it back shut, swallowing heavy once, twice, her voice continuing to crack, even in the whisper.]
I don't think- I don't think I can do it like Liem can...
[What she perceived as self-control, how he was half of an undead creature that preyed on blood but he certainly wasn't... outside of that one terrifying night when he had been Wechuge, he'd never hurt her, no matter how easy she'd made it to feast on her flesh, not even in the times when she'd practically begged him to bite her. But was that... experience? Was that why she couldn't stop herself- ?]
Tell me how...
[The root cracks again in, in the pulsing clutch of her clawed fists.]
Tell me how not to hurt you...
no subject
Syncing might help.
[He shifts the touch of his hand, now cupping her cheek instead of brushing it with his knuckles. At the very least, the manna might sate her cravings some, and steady her as syncing often seemed to. It helped his own blood-thirst as well, though it never really made it go away. To some extent, refusing to drink always came down to managing to convince himself that there were other things he wanted more.]
You wouldn’t like my blood, Konoha, [he says reasonably.] It’s not even properly alive. Besides, I have something important for you. Won’t you at least let me show you what it is?
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But this time… this time her gem is emerald colored on her hip still, not the cloudy smoky quartz film of the cursed Gembonded of that time. This time… his touch does help, and she hungrily presses her cheek into his palm, desperate for that to be enough… even though she fears it won’t, because even though the little pulse of manna from that bit of contact does glow at the edge of her senses… a different pulse is distracting her. Like this, she can feel the slow pulse of his dhampir heartbeat, the blood moving beneath his skin, and though it’s sluggish and dark, though it tastes…
She doesn’t want to think blood tastes good, and Liem tells her she wouldn’t like it as if that was a good thing. No, it’s awful, she wishes he hadn’t said it-
But instead she locks her jaw as best she can, pulling her claws from the root beneath the soil to hesitantly raise them, anxiously flex her hands to see if she could trust herself to try and hold him without using that embrace to instead trap him, pull him close, wrench his head to the side-]
Y- you can show me…
[And she might guess what it was… If she weren’t trying so hard not to bite him. Now, it is just a distraction he offers her that she desperately takes, pleading with the gods that it will work.]
no subject
I was waiting for a less hectic time to give this to you, but I think now is when you need to receive it.
[He speaks a short phrase in Taldane, reaching around to the small leather pouch hanging at his side and slipping his hand inside almost to the elbow. After a moment, he withdraws a gleaming key on a fine chain—a mirror of the holy symbol hanging around his neck, but wrought instead in all silver. Liem releases her hand so that he can carefully undo the thin chain's clasp, and gestures in silent offer to place it around her throat.]
This is the symbol I used to wear before I entered the princess's service. It's been with me for a very long time, but I want you to have it.
no subject
But at some point, she'd managed to rip them away, and bloodied that skin with fowl. Trying to distract herself still (or maybe just keeping an eye on her future meal), Konoha follows the movement of hand, watches as he pulls out...
A necklace, one she swears she has seen before, dangling off the neck of a traveling Taldoran monk of Abadar who'd found himself lost then found on a dream of Mt. Tsurugi. One that her daughter had laughed and giggled over, reaching for the shining pendant with tiny, warm hands, and now-]
Now... ?
[The tears in her eyes burn, and Konoha digs sharper-than-usual teeth into her lip to try and keep a handle on her desires, even more determined than before not to give in, her jaw spasming tight. How grateful she is, that the type gift she had dared to be selfish enough to ask him had manifested in such a personal, priceless shape. How horrified, that she would be so twisted and changed when he showed it to her.
She neither makes it easier nor pulls away from the offer to clasp it around her neck with the others hanging there, clearly visible from the disheveled way her kimono hangs half off her shoulders, her pelt wrap now too loose around her waist without equine withers. Instead, her voice breaks, touched beyond her current ability to express.]
You want me to have it now, Liem... ?
no subject
I can’t think of a better time.
[He draws the two ends of the clasp together, fastening it with precise motions of his claw-tipped fingers. It’s simply a silver necklace; there is no magic imbued in the pendant, no real functionality to it at all beyond a focus for prayers, and perhaps a means of holding a vampire at bay, should she ever encounter such a need. But it carries with it all his love and sentiment, which he’s discovered is an invaluable resource when fighting against one’s inner demons.
Settling the pendant in place along with its sibling necklaces, Liem leans forward, straightening Konoha’s kimono on her shoulders and then sliding his arms gently around her from behind. Tilting his head, he presses his lips against her temple.]
Thank you for waiting, Konoha.
no subject
Smeared over her already somewhat stained kimono as she clumsily wipes her fingers so that they will be somewhat clean when she forces elongated, sharp digits to scrape over her collar (and yet she cannot poison herself, cannot paralyze herself, she's already tried) and find the pendant, clasping it in her hands fervently as a supplicant with a prayer. They matched, silver and gold...]
I love it... I love it so much...
["Thank you". The warmth of the synchrony born of his embrace, the kiss he presses against her temple, almost makes her feel like she's strong enough to resist the urges wracking her senses. She's afraid to touch him still, and so in place of the desire to hold she clutches harder at his gift, hanging her head and making a few strands of hair tangled in her antlers slip down or snag on a lower point in her rack. It's so selfish on top of everything else, yet-]
Liem, I promise, I'll try... I'll try not to bite you, so...
[Even though the idea of the sexual in this deconstructed shape, the far faster and stronger method for synchrony, was almost as terrifying as the idea of hurting him or draining him...]
Please don't let go...
[Maybe this could be enough, maybe it would soothe those darker desires that she worried might haunt her even after she returned to the jinba she was meant to be.]
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I know you will, Konoha. You wouldn’t have asked me to come otherwise.
[She surely wouldn’t have called him in a panic if she’d simply been intending to pounce on him as soon as he arrived. Even if that’s almost what ended up happening, he doesn’t hold any blame toward her for that. Liem presses his cheek gently against hers, extending this moment for just a little longer, wrapped around her as she clutches, weeping, at the bequeathed symbol.]
I brought something else too, if you want me to use it. I have a pair of gem-bindings.
[He can’t recall ever telling Konoha about them before. He hasn’t had many occasions to use them; the only time he recalls ever trying to put them on someone else was the time he lured Nikolai’s monster into his house. The last time he’d used them had been during Opalim, during his own curse.]
They won’t stop the cravings. But they will prevent a feral state, and make this form weaker. And… they might prevent the paralysis from working, as well.
no subject
For a moment, she feels pitiful. Not because she's weeping, because she's never felt ashamed of that, and he has seen her tears enough to know what they mean, but because she is afraid to nuzzle back against his cheek even though she wants to more than anything in that moment. (Except no.... What she wants more than anything is to sink her teeth into one of the wrists wrapped around her waist. She wants to nuzzle second-most.)
He might never have told her that he owned a pair, but she's familiar enough with the gem-bindings after GemSci developed them to address the more feral transformations, and relief floods her, strange, half-jinba legs nearly giving out. Even though the idea of being bound or having her movement restricted in any way had always scared her, she'd managed to try to do it to herself, and if these had some magic in them that would keep them on...]
I want you to...
[Even if her hands shake a bit with fear, she just clasps the pendant tighter to keep them still, tight enough that it begins to leave an imprint in her palm.]
If the poison would just go away...
[Then she could hold him. Couldn't she? (Or did she just want to so that his throat would be closer to her mouth? She can't tell anymore, where her motivations and desires are coming from, and it leaves her feeling lost.)]
no subject
His worries proved largely unnecessary; except for a few isolated occasions, the months' transformations did not bring on a repeat of that feral state. But he's nevertheless kept the bindings charged since then, and he remembers well the few occasions he's needed to use them. For Liem, there was never any anxiety associated with the feeling of being bound; all of his worries were for what might happen if he wasn't. But he knows that isn't the case for her.]
It will be all right, Konoha.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, he slides his hands down her arms, coaxing her wrists closer until he can ease them free from the shreds of her makeshift bindings. Then, fishing the gem-bindings from his pouch, he fastens the first cuff carefully around one rope-reddened wrist.]
I won't let anything happen. Not if I can help it.
[And before she can object, he takes his fingers from her wrist and fastens the other cuff around his own.]
no subject
I won't let something like this place or its curse keep any bit of you... not if I can help it...
The devotion, the love in those words... tinged with the dose of realism that had always grounded their relationship. The knowledge that there was always the possibility they wouldn't be able to keep a promise like that, not in a strange and sometimes dangerous world like this, but oh... they would try. So she tries, reluctant to release his pendant but surrendering her trembling wrists to him for one cuff, the sound of it clicking close making her shudder, but then-
The next click goes on Liem's wrist, as he binds himself quite literally to her side. At first, Konoha just stares, like she isn't sure what's even happening, before her head slowly cocks, her gaze seeks his.]
Liem... What are you doing... ?
[She means to ask more, she thinks, and yet- there's too much saliva in her mouth. She has to swallow.]
no subject
I'm staying with you.
[He says this as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. Why else is he here, if not to stay with Konoha and take care of her while she's in need? Trailing from the locked cuffs, his free hand slides down briefly to grasp hers.]
You only need to wear one cuff for the bindings to function. And this way, you don't need to suffer your hands being bound together.
[What this means, of course, is that since Liem is also wearing one cuff, his powers are suppressed by the bindings now as well. There will be no spells of healing or alacrity or invisibility until he's released. But he'd rather not shackle Konoha like a prisoner when he doesn't have the means to unlock her again. Besides, he trusts her not to lose herself completely. He smiles gently at her.]
Can I help you get cleaned up?
no subject
Her lip quivers, and her fingers spasm anxiously when he takes her hand despite the stains and the claws and the strange, elongated and bony shape that she didn’t even properly recognize as her own. If she just dug her claws in… if she lost herself and dug her claws in, would it at least not be poisonous? She doesn’t want to test it…]
But now, you…
[Did that mean he couldn’t use those healing spells of his? Could he not change his shape anymore? She had to honor the risk he was taking and keep swallowing down the saliva rising her her mouth every time she took a whiff of how manna-rich he seemed.
She can’t help but look down at herself when he offers her assistance, down at what, admittedly, wasn’t helping her feel more like a person than a beast- her chin, chest, and hands still stained with fowl blood. There was… the river, or the little shower stall behind the barn, wet cloths from the kitchen… and it might be hard to change handcuffed like this, but…]
Please…
[The cuff around her slightly raw wrist brushes against her skin and pulls her eyes back to where they were linked, the soft glow of the charged cuff. She… she should buy a pair…]
I wish… I’d had these, when Liem was like this…
[If she had… Could he have been spared some of the pain of that cursed week? Would it have made it easier for him to keep control? Or with the curse… would it have even helped at all… ?]
no subject
But that doesn't change his resolution to remain by her side. To some extent, he feels like he has to—not just because of what he did to her, but for the sake of every single person he harmed during those terrible nights months ago, and every single person she might pose a danger to if left to her own devices. He was never able to tally all the hurts he'd done during his vaguely recalled curse, and that unknown number still weighs on him. He doesn't want such a weight to lie on her conscience as well.]
Neither of us could have known that you would need such a thing.
[She would need to carry them with her all the time to account for a situation like that, where she hadn't been expecting to see him. She can't possibly blame herself for how things ended up happening.]
Besides… they were only a partial solution in any case. I used my own pair during subsequent nights, but it never helped completely.
[He's loath to say that eventually the blood-thirst had overwhelmed him even with them on, and he had ventured into the city to hunt regardless. That's not a comforting thing to hear right now.]
no subject
She's found something far more delicious seeming.
But walking is... disconcerting, and though she does her best to move towards the barn with him... it is slow going. She's learned how to operate two legs, but now she has two that don't move like human ones, she's some sick hybrid between forms, hunched down harshly both to match his height and also to try and minimize her presence. In the end, she has to manage the walk on three legs, using her oddly elongated arm as an occasional foreleg, and occasional tissue, wiping every few steps at the tears drying on her cheeks.]
Still...
[Maybe she'll buy a pair next she can anyway. And maybe it's scary, to hear him say that... it hadn't helped him completely. That first time she'd gone feral Chiron had still been at her side, and he had been physically capable of taking her down, but now... She wipes more tears off her face in between her awkward, shuffling steps, hoping that she feels herself weakening, hoping that strange sensation in her body is the poison shriveling, strength withering... because the bloodlust hasn't abated at all, gnawing at the back of her mind.
Making her whisper, as they reach the barn,]
... do you feel like this all the time?
[Hungry for something it wasn't right to take.]
no subject
Not entirely.
[He pushes the barn door open a little wider so they can enter together, and scans the interior to see if anything else is obviously amiss. He's been here often enough that he knows already where Konoha's cloths and cleaning materials are kept, where her first aid kit lives in ordinary circumstances. But he wouldn't necessarily call these circumstances ordinary.]
When I was cursed, I felt wrung-out, empty, like I was withering to nothing and needed whatever I could get to sustain me. It was all-consuming. I couldn't think about anything else.
[He doesn't know if that's exactly how Konoha feels now. She seems more herself than he'd been for most of his curse, so maybe the Nuckelavee's absence has lessened the hunger that comes with his form.]
That's not normally how I feel. Normally my want for blood is more of a… lust. It's a very physical experience, and it can be overwhelming at times, but I don't feel like I'll waste away if I deny it.
no subject
But he describes it as being unable to think about anything else, and she... She can think about other things. Can't she? Even as she follows Liem into the barn and finds that she's come up right behind him, close enough to inhale deep of his smell and how delicious it seems now, in a far more hunger-driven way than how she usually appreciated his scent...]
Oh, that's good...
[Com... paratively. She knew well about resisting lust, didn't she? She'd done it every time she went into season for years, and she'd survived, even if she'd been left feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. If hunger for blood could be like that...
She swallows, curling her free clawed hand around the key-shaped pendant once more to remind herself. Good, she could be good... She would be good... (Even if a voice in the back of her head wondered if it would be bad to indulge, just... just a little. After all, she wouldn't blame Liem if he gave in to the urge and asked, it was part of his nature, and if it was part of her nature, now-)]
Ouch-
[Thankfully, she hits her large rack of antlers on the doorframe, which pulls her abruptly out of those darker thoughts into a wince and hiss, accidentally jerking on his twist where they were bound together as she instinctively tries to reach for her head and cradle the bloody points where the antlers erupted from her skull.
At least... nothing in her home seems amiss beyond some traces of blood here and there in a line from her bed to the kitchen from where she'd paced back and forth trying to keep control of herself.]
no subject
Sorry about that, [he murmurs. He should have thought to caution her at the door, considering how much she already had on her mind.]
Let's take care of this, shall we?
[He lets his hand fall with one last stroke of her hair, then begins to lead her more cautiously across the barn, collecting some washcloths and heading over to the sink. Unfortunately, he doesn't think undressing for a proper shower will really be possible with them cuffed together like this, but even the cursory cleansing they can manage in her kitchen will still be an improvement. Liem turns the water on warm, then he starts with her hands, lifting the one he's cuffed and gently laving it under the flow of water. He's careful of her wrist, wary of the angry flesh there, but gently cleans as much of the blood and dirt from her skin as he can.]
I know it's hard to be like this. [He talks quietly as he moves his hands over hers.] To have cravings that seem… debased. But it's not your fault, Konoha.
no subject
Konoha bites down another little pained sound and nuzzles into the touch on her bloodied brow, nodding a bit wretchedly. She wanted to be clean. To not smell her own blood, the chicken’s blood, in the hopes that perhaps without that his blood wouldn’t seem so appetizing. (Even though a part of her knows… it will still be just as manna-rich after she’s clean, it will still seem so—)
She follows him in her awkward shuffle to the sink, such a different gait than the swift, terrifying way of moving she’d displayed more under the influence of the Wechuge before. Obediently, she presents her hands for the washing, long spine hunching into a curl beside him, cloven hooves and odd cervid but two? legs akimbo on the dirt and rug flooring.
It feels good… his manna. Surely it’s working. That and the gem cuffs, they’re definitely working and they’re definitely going to make it easier not to want to dig her teeth into the side of his neck, that still looks so delicious even with all the fur she would get in her mouth-]
… how do you do it?
[Her voice creeps out in a shameful whisper, wanting and hoping that his experiences at abstinence will somehow be enlightening for her even with the inevitable differences between a natural dhampir and an emerald transformation.
Or maybe… maybe he didn’t really hold back from doing it, and just like so many other times he friends have kept secrets from her, it would turn out to be something he just hadn’t told her because he thought it would upset her, that it might scare her. She’s heard that one plenty.
And something twists, deep in her gut, hungry and wanting, as she surrenders her hands to his, pupils blown out as she watches him gently tend to her. Liem was kind… and he was good, and loyal, and he loved her enough, surely, to let her—
The roil in her gut turns to disgust.]
cw: self-harm
Ah, well…
[The question discomfits him a little, making him pause in the act of wetting a washcloth to tend to her face. The subject of his thirst, and his relationship with it, isn’t something he often speaks of, even with the people who are familiar with his nature. It’s not a topic that he’s used to thinking of without shame.
But after the small hesitation, he lifts the damp cloth to begin cleaning her face, starting first with her forehead and working his way gently down.]
In some ways, my world made it very easy for me to avoid drinking blood. I was not prepared to force myself upon the unwilling, and few would admit to wanting to submit to such a thing.
[This did not make it simple to suppress the desire to sink his teeth into something, to lap the blood from whatever flesh he might get his hands on—that of backyard fowl, of scurrying vermin, sometimes, in moments of desperation, even his own wrist. There was little satisfaction to be gained from such activities, but there were times that he simply couldn’t force himself to stop.
But it seems so personal to speak of such things. Even with the direct relevance it has on Konoha’s own situation, Liem can force himself only grudgingly to talk about it at all.]
There were of course times I did drink… from animals… or from a willing person. But… [He presses his lips together, pausing to fold the washcloth so its cleaner side is exposed. His voice is quiet.] It was never a frequent occurrence. To indulge with any regularity would be akin to dependence on liquor, or drugs, and such vices are meant to be below Abadar’s priesthood. They’re seen as destructive, to the self and to the community.
no subject
Oh...
[She listens, she swears she's listening, because... If anyone knew about how not to drink blood it would surely be Liem? But if she were hoping for some innovative solution, some trick she hadn't been able to think of herself... she's disappointed. She has no right to be, but she is. It seemed the only way he kept himself drinking occasionally and not frequently was strength of will... the same sort applied to keep oneself off drink or vice... and before the Wechuge, Konoha had considered herself strong enough to avoid similar things. Now...]
Liem is so strong...
[Finally, her voice creaks out in a whisper, the hand bound to him yearning to tangle with his fingers but afraid to, for fear that even as cold as he was in comparison to her that it would be warm enough to stir something inside of her, that the feel of his pulse would make her ravenous. She has to swallow again, she's salivating too much at the idea--]
I'm afraid-
[Another swallow, to admit it, to try and put it into words. She wanted not to do it at all, she was afraid to find something as taboo as drinking blood to be delicious, but also-]
Even if... someone volunteered for that...
[Which is also... difficult for her to imagine, until she remembers that she had offered her blood to Chiron with no hesitation at all when he'd admitted that he needed mana to survive and it could be found there. Until she remembers that night in the forest when the Wechuge in Liem's shape had been savaging her neck and she'd thought... if he'd only asked, she would have given it to him. But that was... Chiron and Liem seemed strong, and used to those means and urges, but her- ?]
What if I couldn't stop... ?
[The chicken certainly hadn't survived her, had it?]
no subject
It's always possible something like that will happen.
[He admits it quietly, returning his hands to the sink so he can rinse the cloth one more time. Whenever blood drinking comes up, there's always the risk of cutting too deeply, of biting in the wrong place. Sometimes wounds bleed more freely than anticipated, or someone misjudges their limits, and indulgence turns to genuine injury. It can be a dangerous activity.]
It can be difficult to think about other things while drinking. And learning how much is safe takes practice. It's better to try hunting animals first.
[At least a killed rabbit or deer can be skinned and cooked later on. Control is less of an issue. As he considers the issue further, he squeezes out the washcloth and offers it to Konoha in a silent question.]
But if you're going to try, it's vital to make sure the other person has the ability to end things. You can't be on top of them, or hold them close while you're drinking, even if you feel in control.
[Personally, Liem finds his lap to be a very nice place for the person he's drinking from to be, but that might not be the kind of vibe that Konoha wants in this situation.]
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I don't want an animal...
[She doesn't actually even realize she said it, quiet and reluctant, because what she wants more than anything... is what he tells her that she shouldn't. All the Wechuge body wants to do is take control from someone else, to hold them close enough to hear their hearts beating frantic and scared, to crawl on top of them and pin them down and dig her teeth in-
She slips up, and the fang digging into her lip does break skin. Even though it was her own blood, not the heat of something more delicious... it has enough manna in it to make her pupils dilate to more excited pricks of dark in the sickened color of her iris, makes a shudder run through her body even weakened as it was by the Gem bindings...
Konoha snatches the washcloth Liem offers her too quickly, too roughly, clutching it tight in her clawed hand and beginning to scrub, hard, at the blood staining her chest. If she just rubbed it off, if she just got rid of it... If she just kept sucking on her split lip, a rumbling, sick sound building in to the back of her throat...]
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[Liem watches her scrub compulsively at the stains on her chest, her motions rough with a familiar desperation. He knows how it is to be overcome with the need to do something, anything to get your mind off of your desires. He knows about the urge to replace hunger and need with sex, with pain, with exhaustion, with whatever will serve to distract body and mind from the shameful obsession with blood.
But those distractions can be dangerous too—to the self, and sometimes even to others as well, in the end. Liem draws nearer, cupping his hand against her cheek and encouraging her to look at him. The hand cuffed to hers slides gently into her grasp.]
Slow breaths. Talk to me.
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