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Liem Talbott
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Liem's mindscape is dark; quiet; contemplative. Any feelings or sensations that Liem doesn't intentionally project himself seem distant, as though echoing from a far-off room. Following any given sense to its source is bafflingly difficult.
action...
Rather than launch into it, the moment he sees Liem ( the moment the door opens, he sees the hint of that handsome nose or hears his voice ) — he reaches for his face and folds it between his palms. ]
You're okay.
[ Relief.
Gen and Ruby had been dissipated, but Liem was okay. ]
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By contrast, the familiar beating on his door is welcome, despite the racket the knocking raises all through his home. Liem is in his study when the knocking comes, working on a private project, and he shuts the door behind him before descending to receive his guest.
Somehow, the warm hands immediately framing his face still startle him.]
Yes, I am.
[Surprise lends that same slight flush of dusty violet to his cheeks. He hadn’t realized Set might actually be worried for him in a circumstance like this. His hands come up to briefly cover the god’s, before sliding down to his wrists.]
My time in the maze was less eventful than most, I’m sure. But please, come in.
[So the neighbours can’t gawk at them the entire time.]
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Heedless of Liem's austerity, the privacy of his person, it is on the doorstep of his home that Set leans his head down and presses his mouth to the center of his forehead. A breath escapes him, reassured that he did not meet a hard fate — recalling the last time that Liem had been dissipated, when he had slipped into Zenith and Set had known hurt he never usually felt when people made other choices.
( Just beyond Liem's hand, the slender ring he'd given Set remains boldly displayed upon his finger. )
He slips past the priest, one hand still on him, to tug him back through the doorway and wrap himself around him with renewed vigor. Fingers sinking into Liem's spine, holding fast to him as he curves down and toward him. ]
These battles are so frustrating. When you could benefit most with me at your side, I drive forth independently for our victories.
[ Which left Ruby to the mercies of Mordred; Gen, to be mutilated by Dimitri. Liem to... be left alone, as shadow closed in around him. ]
I wanted to apologize. For not coming to help you.
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But finally Set slips inside, and he manages to close the door before the god wraps possessively around him. He doesn’t even bother locking it; he is more immediately concerned with folding his own arms around Set, whom he had missed sorely during his imprisonment beneath the labyrinth floor, even if the magical nature of the maze made calling upon his assistance impossible.]
The labyrinth presented a uniquely frustrating battleground. [He murmurs against the fall of the god’s hair.] Even if you spent the entire time only seeking me, I doubt it would have made a difference.
[How could it have, when any door in the maze could lead to wherever the Oracle wished it to? For all Liem knows, the people actively seeking him would be the least likely of all to ever stumble upon him.]
I don’t expect you to hold my hand, especially at such a time.
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( Look at Quetzalcoatl! )
It is something he needs to discuss with Liem, through whom he filters as much of his personality and choices, for perspective and understanding. His priest, as much as Abadar's, and — someone very important to him, whom he loves and has admitted to loving. A terrible, frighteningly alien love, but love nonetheless. He grips Liem a little tighter, brow knitting in upset. ]
I do not like leaving you alone in these fights. It is not that I do not find you capable, it is that — whenever I have failed to find you, something terrible happens. During the Iconoclast, you were alone and your spirit injured so deeply. During the Exalt, we could not make better choices for Gen together. And now, you were alone again and I...
[ Is it any wonder, as his words trail off and his frown deepens, that he feared a repeat of the Iconoclast? ]
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Besides which, having Set at his side is no guarantee that Liem will be safe from unexpected danger. During the false trial set in the Scorching Isles, probably the most dangerous thing Liem had to endure was finding the hourglass in Voryn and Set’s company.]
And yet, here I am, hale and whole.
[He pulls back a little so he can look into Set’s frowning face.]
It is not a failing of yours that led me to spend those days trapped beneath the labyrinth, and I am no worse for wear because of them.
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Here you are.
[ Liem is right, in his way. He is whole and had not been claimed by a shadow or slaughtered by someone, his Shard in place and his manner entirely focused on how to willfully ignore Set's tenuous display care for him as if it were a mark of MISTRUST. Set doesn't let him go, for that. He cannot fill himself with light and sweetness anymore, with unselfish consideration for Liem's wellbeing — not, at all, when Liem is his. His to be selfish over, his to covet and hold close. A wildness within him knows that they had entered their relationship as a transaction, and perhaps that had colored everything from there on —
but,
his eyes shift to the gleam of the ring on his finger. Then, back to Liem's face. ]
You were alone, though. [ And by the rasp of his voice, he means nothing more than that.
Liem was alone. ] Are you not tired, of that? Or is it what you expect, now?
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And yet. When he is alone with Set, the naked truth does not seem as terrible as it often has. He is willing to speak it aloud if he must, in the privacy they currently share, even if it seems a lonely thing to admit.]
I hope things are different next time, [he says, picking each word slowly. His gaze remains, sober, on Set’s face.] I do not relish having no one to lean on but myself. But I still do not levy blame against you for forging on while I remained incapacitated. I think you must be able to focus your efforts in such a way, even if I might come to grief. Some tasks are more important than my well being.
[Maybe even most tasks—at least the important ones—though he has the sense not to say this aloud.]
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You did not answer my other question, Liem Talbott.
[ Careful as those words are, Set won't let them stand uncountered and tested. He leans into the other man's space, bowing a little so that he can peer through the curtain of red that was his hair and feel the weight of his mouth as it purses and frowns. As he reaches deeper against Liem's person to hold his waist, and draw him in. Patient, and brutally persistent.
Is that treatment you expect from me? To be secondary to a goal, to a greater calling?
[ The answer clearly matters to him, investigatory as it is. He wants to know where their friendship is going, where Liem envisions it stands — if he imagines it changing, or if he is simply clutching at whatever he gets, for better or worse. Set, master of conflict and discord, wishes to push through that barrier on Liem's heart.
( He knows he will choose his son, always. But, Liem doesn't stand against what he wants or will choose. He is with it. )]
Look at me. [ And he thumbs the arch of Liem's cheek, fond and firm with possessiveness. ] — it's not solely about blame, or importance of our work. They are not mutually exclusive from wanting to not be lonely anymore. You could ask me for that. We could make it new and real, together.
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And this not only hurts him more, but maligns those who would care for him as well.
His brows knit as Set pulls him relentlessly nearer, refusing him any space between them. The corners of his mouth pull down, a little a little defensive, bruise-tender, despite his efforts to pretend otherwise.]
Of course I expect it.
[Though he attempts to stick wholly to pragmatism, he is deeply unhappy to discuss this topic, and cannot entirely hide it. He directs his attention at Set as the god demands, but some old sullenness dwells in his gaze, like he doesn’t appreciate being forced to state the obvious in this way: like the act of offering him something he covets is just a ploy to be made conditional later. Still hooked around Set’s back, Liem’s hand curls into an uneasy fist.]
I don’t want to ask for anything more. I didn’t say I am lonely.
[Even though he is.]
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You can, though. You can ask me.
[ It's not a hard thing to be asked. Hayame yearns to fight alongside Set, and he will one day do that for her. She has more than earned it. Dimitri will know the ugliness of war so that he can find an era of peace. The people of Springstar ( and the few of Highstorm ) who look to him as a real god, a god to pray to, will get what they want as well. The spirit of it, if not the letter. Ruby receives a protector. Liem — Liem, too, can have whatever he asks for. A friend was pressed into his hands, and returned tenfold by his caretaking and shy affections. ]
Did you know that the devotions of others have granted me my divinity again? Not in full, but enough to spend my might where it belongs And it belongs to you, Liem. You are a good friend, one — one I have never deserved to have. You have cared for me —
[ Reaching behind him, he places a hand across that uneasy fist and holds it. Nary an inch of space left between them for it. ]
Let me care for you, too. Because I really, truly want to. Because you deserve to be chosen.
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There is no good reason for it. He has cared for Set, as much as a mortal man can. He knows the god wants Liem to rely on him, just as Liem asked Set to rely on him in turn. Still, the prospect of admitting that he craves more than what he already gets from him makes his stomach churn and his skin crawl with nerves.]
All I wish for is to not be alone, [he murmurs. The words crawl grudgingly up his throat, a halting, uneasy confession.] Can I call upon you if I need someone at my side? Is that aid you want to give?
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It is practical, to offer his blessing as a god to those he prides. Those he considers highly. Hayame bears it as a warrior. Dimitri bears it as a warrior. Rudbeckia bears it because she is to be protected. Liem — Liem would bear it, because he knows the burden of a god's consideration and care. Because... Liem, like Set, knows the agony of always, always being alone. Alone even in a crowded room. Alone and different. Alone and isolated. Alone and strange, a part of one world ( two worlds, three worlds? ) and yet not really belonging to any of them.
A god who looks in upon his own kind, because he was made for wrongness and a man born of two halves that make a painful, unloveable whole. ]
I think, [ he murmurs, ] that people do not deserve to be alone even if they are difficult.
[ Color builds in his face. It is a hard emotion to describe, made harder still because he cannot act unselfish. Cannot look upon Liem's welfare and freely give something, but must rationalize it as a thing that benefits him. And it does, it always has. He benefits others, too. Power, authority, information...
Set is difficult. He has always wanted ( begged, pleaded, gasped and cried and mourned for it — ) to be loved, even so. Maybe that, in the end, is why he loves the most difficult people in Kenos; why he cares so much for the unloveable, the most frightened of them, the ones who push him back and run away, the ones for whom loving and being loved was never a reality. ]
I told you, in that broken church: unlike anyone else in this world, I will truly accept you. You said I could call on you, in my time of need. You can do that, too. I want to give you the things you can barely stand to admit to yourself, let alone anyone. The things you think will finally be too much — a step that carries you too far, beyond what other people can forgive and forget and rationalize. I want you to know, without a doubt, that nothing you do or say will take you beyond me. I can do that, so accept me.
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He does not want to even acknowledge his own wants, out of certainty that if he did, if he allowed himself to wish wholeheartedly for things he does not deserve—the ache of that wanting would gnaw him apart from the inside. He does not want to acknowledge them, even when Set is clutching him like a possession and murmuring promises in his ear.
But he does want what the god offers; he wants it desperately. So perhaps greed will once again be his doing after all.]
Very well, Set.
[He sighs it under his breath, and the hand Set is clutching turns and splays to clasp their fingers together. And he tips his face up, so his lips can brush the red of the god’s cheek.]
I want what you are, and what you have to give. I will accept what you offer.
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Good. Then, [ he exhales soft and golden, a flowing sound like the rasp of silk sands flowing endlessly into dunes and waves. Tossed by the wind, pieces of things town down to motes over endless time; he breathes to the middle of their clasped hands and noses along Liem's cheek. ] Carry my blessing, Liem Talbott.
For you, I will always manifest when you call. I grant you an effigy of my might — so that even when you are alone, you will have me to call upon in battle. In times of loneliness.
[ Behind Liem, warmth pools in the form of sands divided from Set; drawn from his form to slice off and manifest in his shape — sand, expressive as him in the way that it smiles so deft and private down at the priest and dips to kiss the top of his head. ]
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Despite the nature of Set’s boon, to Liem it still seems more like a gift from a cherished companion than a blessing from a divinity. His relationships with the divine have never been like this; even Abadar has always been distant and untouchable, his invisible presence felt only in the flow of certain parts of the world. Though the power Liem wields is certainly divine in nature, born of their own covenant, he has never felt his patron’s arms around him or his lips against his hair.
Set is a strange god; if they succeed in bringing this war to a conclusion, he will miss him sorely.]
Thank you, Set.
[He is so warm. Liem cannot help but seek his closeness, splaying his fingers over his skin, despite his distracted awareness of the second presence at his back. The reality of dealing with two of Set at the same time is both startling and a little overwhelming to contemplate.]
I will make good use of your boon, I promise.
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For our continued victories, [ because he is the god of war. ]
And for you, whom I can call on and will call on me. For this.
[ And his hand slips to rest over Liem's heart, his smile twitching briefly — because, there is practicality in blessing Liem. It is an empowerment, a way to hold onto him against the tide of Zenith. And Set... Set must tell him, quiet and without shame. Only thought, only consideration as he carves away further sentiment in favor of updating one of his dearest companions. Someone he truly... frighteningly, can trust in. ]
— I did something, to win the Oracle. I offered something I did not think I needed, because... because I had given it up long ago to save myself from pain, and the future does not call for such a thing from me. I fed it my altruism. And I worry I made a mistake in doing so. I still love, and I still care... but, I do not know what this will mean.
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Until a frown steals over his expression, and he is obliged to pull his face back so he can look at the god again.]
And the Oracle… accepted it?
[He knew that some had given the Oracle grisly gifts in the maze—who didn’t know about Gen, at least?—but he had not considered someone might give up something like this. That Set might give up something like this.]
That is… [certainly a decision he has made. Liem starts again.] But what about when you return home?
[Is atonement not inherently an unselfish act?]
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Yes.
[ Actually, it did. As intangible a prize as it was, the Oracle had accepted his altruism as worthy proof of his conviction to win it over for Meridian. He had conceptualized it in one way, but did not know what would actually happen, for him to be rid of such a thing as altruism. A sentiment that had never served him save to make him suffer, and now that he was rid of it — things did feel more clear. More direct, and he'd begun to conceptualize victory in more austere terms. ]
I figure, I will deal with it when I do return. But, if I am incapable of doing whatever it takes to win now, how can I ever envision a victory for us? I fed it my altruism because, I am not unselfish. And in the future, I cannot concern myself with the happiness or well-being of those who oppose us without... without getting something in return that will bolster our might. Don't you agree?
[ He doesn't know if he wants Liem to agree or not, just to... just to hear why he did it. Someone needs to understand that Set is also willing to make sacrifices. But, even his atonement is... it's for a goal, for his son. He's felt guilt for the treatment of the women and children, for his crimes against Egypt, but one doesn't need to be altruistic about upholding the balance divine scale, right? He's not Ma'at, he's Set.
He does hold a little tighter to Liem, as if — afraid. ] It is fine if you do not. If you... cannot trust my intentions toward you anymore, because of this. But, I never really wanted you pure of intention. I am greedy. I am obsessive. Possessive. Unkind and harsh. It... do you think that means my love is lesser?
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But in the heart of him, he knows he is not happy.]
I understand the nature of your conviction, [is what he says. He does not disagree that shedding one’s altruistic desires might help them pursue victory with more focus.
At what cost, though? He is loath to contemplate it, given the die has been cast regardless. Perhaps Set can still atone, even if he can learn nothing from his penance. Perhaps it will even be enough, in the eyes of his son.
When Set first sought him out months ago, Liem had agreed to give him his counsel. That had been the beginning of their arrangement, before the god had demanded more. Offered more. Only, now, Liem finds himself balking at the necessity of answering Set’s question. As the lines between priestly consultant and close companion blur, he realizes too late that they also seem to be closing around him like strands of a net.
He does not quite know what else to say.]
I would like to believe this is of no concern to me.
[But he is not sure that he does. And at least, if he does believe it makes no difference, it is only because he didn’t really expect to be loved, truly loved, in the first place. But of what comfort is that?]
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[ Against his will ( what will? he has none, no ability to resist the worst, no capability to rally against the tide — ), he concludes his efforts to be — to be, what? What does he want from Liem, beyond to be at his side? Perhaps the way he has been thinking of the small, growing thing between is but a delusion. After all, he is a madman.
If a friend cannot bear to give him honest counsel, he knows he is not worth what it would take for Liem to love him. Such pain he would cause such a dear person. And yet, he still covets it all. Hands slipping from where they had rested, warm around Liem's body, to caress up the length of his arms, to his hands. Set squeezes them, quiet and visibly rueful. Not quite apologetic, but ridden with regret. With unease that grows catastrophically fast. ]
Of course. We need not — you need not burden yourself with concerns further than your heart can bear. I will carry the rest for you.
[ Because a love like Set's is lesser, he doesn't know why he asked the question. Liem gave him a ring, and people have been asking him to whom he is "engaged to" and such a thing does not exist in his era, but he read about it and recognized it and wondered — ]
But. Did you know what people would think, to see me wearing your token?
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The hands that Set grips curl, clutching savagely at warm fingers. Liem dips away from the terrible emotion lurking behind Set’s expression, his forehead dropping heavily against the god’s shoulder. He does not want to speak. Some painful, iron-hot shape has lodged itself in his throat, and he does not know what will happen if he tries.
Stupid, stupid. Stupid of him to mourn something he never had to begin with. Get over it, Liem. Don’t be hysterical over nothing, for god’s sake, not while he’s still here—]
That is no one’s business… [he whispers, miserably, not trusting himself to speak any louder. His face feels hot against the smooth gold of Set’s collar.] … but yours, and mine.
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he didn't think anyone wanted. Not with the way they spoke of his dalliances with the Zenites, of his fluidity as he straddled the line between Meridian and Zenith, of his aching need to spread himself thinner and thinner among the world until he was mad with it. And all it has done, in the end, this act he thought was for the best, is drive some pain into Liem. He can smell it, feel it in the tremble of his voice. ]
I do love you.
[ It's hard to say, so directly. He's alluded to it before, hinted at it while he spoke of his feelings for the most painful people he wanted to understand and accept and have for his own. Never so concretely to Liem, but — saying the words had always felt cheap and fragile, compared to showing him. Proving it to him, even if he had to drag him around. ]
Nothing about the way I feel for you has changed, except — I do not love you at my own expense. I will love you and be more for you. I do not want to sacrifice parts of myself that are unlovable just to be able to give myself to you. And I do not want you to do that either. That — that is what my decision means, to me.
[ It means he doesn't want to be less than what he is, nor does he want that for Liem. ]
I may have given up my altruism, but I would never be able to love you any way but shallowly if I had it still. I would not be able to be greedy for you. Or even say these words.
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So you sacrificed something else, instead.
[Something lovable, he doesn’t say. But this is what he has done, is it not? Decided to become harder, sharper, more focused in pursuit of his goals. An eminently reasonable decision to make, in many ways, given their circumstances. Resenting it is worse than foolish.
It is just so painful a thing to feel robbed of, when Set had so relentlessly persuaded him to covet not just his desire and his companionship, but also his protection—something he struggled to even accept, much less rely on. He has spent so much of his life striving to earn the care of people around him; he cannot bear the thought of being trapped by such desperate compulsions with Set, too.]
You are a liar, Set. “I need not burden myself”? [He mumbles it against the hot column of Set’s neck, knowing he is being cruel and still, heedlessly, speaking on regardless.] You cannot even be fully greedy for me. You don’t want me; you just want me to belong to you.
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Liem thinks him a liar, and it hurts. Deeply and sharply, to be thought of as someone who is false; except, that he has always worked to be seen in certain ways. Not a vulnerable creature, not a weak one. Strength was always part of him, that redheaded god of war — Egypt's unconquered soldier; then, strength had been taken from him by someone he'd loved, forcing him into submission and,
he's always fought to be seen as strong, since then. Someone to believe in, or yield to. And Liem calls him a liar, which hurts so much. ]
You said it first.
[ His voice curls a little, sharpening like brittle glass. Liem is crying, and over what? Altruism? It doesn't serve them, it doesn't protect them, it doesn't mean anything for them or Meridian or the future they're working toward! Does altruism even exist? If so, how is it healthy? HOw is it fair to offer all of oneself and want nothing in return? ]
"I would like to believe this is of no concern to me." [ Like an animal that knows only violence, he pushes back a little. His body tensing, as if ready to tear away from Liem and leave him exposed and upset; he digs his heels in, prickling with anger in place of the misery he's feeling. ]
It either is, or isn't. And so what if the way I love you is lesser, in your eyes? Do you even know what altruism is, to me? It is asking for nothing from you in return. Like you're not worth what you offer. That's stupid!
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