sterngaze | kenos

[Liem sees that whatever brought Hayame to speak with him today, it was not only the matter of her new title. He thinks he understands a little of what has driven her, even if their lives still remain very different.]

… You can probably guess that in my own country, I was not in the habit of conducting myself openly in terms of my relationships.

[Partially one might guess this from the fact that Liem has been painstakingly private about his personal life for most of the time he’s been here—but also, she knows that he is half-vampire, and that this is not a proud thing to be. A human man in Hayame’s country might be made ashamed of taking a jinba bride, but at least there was no possible way such a union could ever lead to a child. In some ways, Liem thinks, that is a blessing.]

I did not want the people I was close to to be publicly associated with me, for their sake—but Kenos is not like that. Especially Springstar, I feel; the people here celebrate the union of different things.

Maybe it would be different if you were of greatly different status in this world—if one of you was of Zenith instead, or born here instead of a shard-bearer. But I am sure that, as far as most in Kenos are concerned, you and Claude von Riegan are peers, and besides which, you conduct yourselves modestly in public. There is no reason for most to take issue with your relationship.

[She definitely just came to speak to him about the title... and the other thing... but, you know... if it came up...

And it seemed Liem understood. In a way a human could not if she attempted to discuss this.]

That is... I was of the same thought. His title was one thing, but I did... I did not wish for others to label him perverse, or damage his reputation as a peacemaker.

[Even if the two of them did not see eye to eye on that, still sometimes disagreed about how Meridian should act... It was the role and duty he had chosen, and she did not wish to be a smear upon it. She had been sure that it would do that, even knowing that she must be letting her experiences in her own world influence her thinking. She had a reputation as a warmonger, as one of the most hardline faction members in Springstar. And... Humans fucked jinba, mostly making use of more human mouths... but not in public, and not as people, not as lovers. She knew of no example of a jinba and a human together in any way that was not ownership, humiliation, or domination. That is why it had taken months to accept that man's feelings, months then to become intimate, and-

And now everyone just knew and-]

... He said that. That we could perhaps inspire the citizens here. That we could help give them hope. But that if I could not... then he would handle it. Our... image.

But is that-

... It is unfair of me. Is it not?

[Like when she had first told him, is she... just sort of hoping that Liem will condemn or chastise her, just a little? Maybe. But she's not sure. If she wants to hear "yes" or "no".]

I don’t think you have damaged it; not that I’ve seen.

[Sure, some people might think their relationship bizarre, but by and large? He has seen no such sentiments.]

This sounds like something you should take Claude’s word on rather than mine. Is your desire for privacy not just as legitimate as his desire to use your sudden publicity for a political purpose?

[Liem sure thinks it is. Please don’t fucking look at him, he hates seeing his private life in the news.]

Unless you want to support him, and you were hoping for a firm push. Perhaps it would be good for you: to pursue a relationship goal as not just lovers, but partners.

[She does not want to see... and yet she has to try and see now in order to ascertain what is being said... and her desire for privacy wars with the fact that desire or not, the secret has been ripped open and spread all about no matter how she might have wished it hadn't. She cannot hide it now or deny it. So what... But she also cannot allow even the slightest potential misunderstanding that-]

It is not...

Even though I knew... Even though he said he would claim me proudly and openly... I am the one who asked him not to. He respected that, even though... I doubt any other women would have asked him to do so.

[Any other woman... would surely treat him better than she does, so why- Why is that foolish man-]

I do not doubt that he would respect it now, too, if I asked him. Even if it is now so pointless to try.

[But she's just so...]

...

I was not... I am not something that was ever intended to be a lover. Or a partner.

[... Liem understands, that, doesn't he? (She does not even realize she said "something" and not "someone".)]

Hayame…

[A soft frown descends over his features.]

Do you not feel like you can be? Because you weren’t taught how?

[She feels, in that moment, such an intense feeling of deja vu. To that confrontation months and months ago, after months of avoiding that man after he confessed his feelings for her. To his voice, stern and hurt and concerned when it cut to the core of why she had struggled to accept his words. Who are you trying to convince, here? Ask yourself that honestly.. But she’d spent almost her whole life refusing to honestly see certain things in order to live, so-

... Do you think you're unlovable?]

…

[Of course she had never been taught how. Her own parents had been a stallion chosen for stud based on his obedience and swift genes and a dam chosen simply because she had a womb. They had never held her or loved her, and they had certainly never loved each other, come together only a few times for groom-supervised mounting in the breeding stall. None of the grooms at the stables had wives, the most she had ever seen was an occasional prostitute, and her own fate… she’d always known what it was supposed to be. To be sold untouched, and then after…

They are not the same Aspect, but they have known each other… a long time, now. She has come to him… somewhat ready to be open.

So he’ll sense it. All that. The insecurity that she’d never been given cause to feel from another, but from her own past, her own hearts…

The way she seems to reluctantly admit that he might not be wrong.]

[The silence between them speaks volumes, even without the faint bleed of insecurity that slides from her like meltwater, spreading slippery chill over the smooth stone. Long, lonely years come back to Liem as that moment stretches on: years of certainty that among all the qualities one might see in him, desirability as a partner and a companion could not possibly be one. Even now, he is more than a little convinced this remains true.

It’s just that he can’t afford to let that stop him anymore.]

Hayame. Do you wish to stay with Claude as a lover and a partner, and be someone who he can be proud to have at his side?

[He assumes the answer is yes. There is really no other reason she could be here, speaking with him. But this, he wants her to say.]

[Hayame’s years have not stretched on as long as Liem’s have… but the core is the same. Among all the qualities one might see in her, desirability as a partner and a companion could not possibly be one. Even now, she is more than a little convinced this remains true.

It’s just that…

All of the reasons to say “no” bubble up, bleeding out into the snow and ice like the rest had, blanketing the silent stone with the things she struggles to admit even to herself. It has to be impossible, because… they were of different species, different cultures, different ranks. She had to return to her world to keep her vow, and in doing so… she might die. Even if he said he would come with her, was it even possible? Could she even let him, when he had an entire country counting on him in his own home? And he… he was a king, he would need heirs of his body. They might not even make it, they could die here in Kenos, or the Oracle trial could fail, they could be forgotten like all the other generations of shard-bearers…

But today? Tomorrow?

Hayame shivers in the cold before finally, quietly, the shameful, selfish admission comes that… even if it’s foolish, even if it’s weak, even if it’s just some fleeting, painful dream,]

… I do.

Edited 2024-01-16 01:15 (UTC)

[In the face of her shame, Liem’s measured voice is gentle.]

That is more important than what your stablemaster wished for you, or saw fit to teach you in your own country.

[Was she not, after all, a different woman than she’d been two years ago? There is more about her that has changed than just the eye in her left socket or the shard in her breast.]

You are not bound to his legacy, and you can deviate from what was meant for you if you want. You already have.

[Hayame doesn’t know if Liem ever understood why she had looked to him like she had from the very moment they’d met in that space between worlds before Horos. It’s that voice. It’s those words.

They shame her. And humble her. And… they give her just enough hope that maybe… just maybe… She can be better. And have better.

The snow falls… slower. Softer. And after a long moment when she tries to find the words to thank him for saying that… Hayame remembers that this is Communion. The gratitude comes through clear enough. So maybe it’s fine that she doesn’t… that she can’t think of the exact words. This way… it’s better. If she opened her “mouth” she might accidentally protest, say something like “but-“

… And she doesn’t want to.]

Then I will accept it.

[And strive to be worthy of it. The title of Decurion. (And… a lover and partner that had sworn to always stand by her side, no matter what. Who was still there, somehow, even now that everyone knew.)

But that still leaves…]

There is… one more thing I received from Cetina.

Do you have experience with…

Is there… magic in your world that can change a person’s shape, Liem? Not just your face, like those illusion sorts.

[As the snowfall slows, the yellow glow of the candles seems to brighten just a little. Liem's expression seems warmer—though he, too, moves on.]

No direct experience, myself, though such magic exists: magic to change one person into another, or a person into a beast, or a monster into a common animal. Such magic is generally the purview of arcanists, rather than those of the church.

[Certain entities were known to change their shapes, as well, like the kitsune of Tian Xia, or some kinds of true dragon. Fun fact: the psychopomp who very nearly sliced his head off originally made contact with his party in the form of a human man.]

Did Cetina give you an item with shape-changing magic in it?

[She may have... She might be different now, in some ways, from the bitter, angry, isolated woman who had come to Kenos over a year past, but... To linger on such topics too long, to speak about them... like she imagines normal people did... It's still a bit too much. Just this much was... It was hard. And terrifying. ... And enough, for now. His words had the impact she... required. So. So now, in a slightly warmer, softer space-

(More importantly... one in which she felt somewhat safe admitting weakness-)]

... Yes.

I reported things we had learned, and what might need to be done from now... But I had mentioned that there was nothing I could do about the issue of Kowloon. About anything occurring in Highstorm. Not when I was the only shard-bearer of our generation to be-

[Not human. Not human "enough" in shape.]

Four-legged. Illusions and spells would do nothing to disguise me the moment I went into a crowd or someone tried to touch me.

She gave me something that can be used to make me human. Temporarily.

[So what? She just came to tell him? Yes, she did think it was good for him to know, as a skill Meridian now had access to but she would not be advertising publicly in order to keep it useful, but-

More importantly...]

... I would feel more at ease if someone were with me. When I first attempted it.

[Someone with at least a little experience with magics as that. And if it went wrong, if something happened... She didn't want Claude to have to see.]

Of course. Are you at home?

[He could visit her quite easily, if she wants help figuring out the use of her item, and also probably the use of her legs. But then he thinks: Claude might be there, or might drop by without warning, given that he seems to live with her at least part time. If she is contacting Liem rather than him… perhaps she would prefer if that did not happen.]

Or… would you like to stop by my residence?

[… Bingo!

After a brief pause in which she debates admitting she’s already near there or not-]

That would be preferred, yes.

Of course. I'm at home, so, feel free to stop by.

[Liem is probably in the middle of hanging laundry or something, but it'll only take him a few more minutes to finish. He can surely be done before she arrives. It's not like she's already right there... right?]

I see. I am in Springstar today, so I will see you shortly.

[… “Thank you”.

No. Surely he is aware she is grateful. She will save the words for a more important time, such as… after he has overseen the transformation. That makes the most sense, naturally. With the mental impression of a bow, she departs his mind.

And after waiting ten minutes or so just to be polite and perhaps semi-believable…

She arrives at Liem’s home, ready to knock… or, you know, awkwardly raise a hand to wave if he’s outside.]

[Fortunately, ten minutes or so is sufficient for Liem to finish hanging his linens and to be returning in through his back door when he hears a knock echoing through the house. Setting the empty basket aside, he hurries to the front door so he can answer it, swinging it open to gaze up at the jinba woman waiting half-on the decidedly not-jinba-sized porch.]

Hayame— Please, ah, come in.

[He’ll move back to accommodate her entrance, retreating further into the house so she can duck through his front door. The townhouse he purchased is unfortunately rather typical of Springstar, which means it’s narrow and has multiple levels, in the interest of fitting a good amount of house on not too much land. Usually he would just invite her around to the back garden, but his neighbours can definitely see down into his yard from their upper floors. It is not especially private.

Fortunately, after the narrow entranceway, the main floor of Liem’s home is mostly open, the sitting room transitioning into a dining area and then a kitchen, with nary a wall in between. There is room to maneuver at least, even if none of the furniture is suitable for a jinba’s use.]

[Normally, Hayame would go to the back garden. She had maneuvered up the stairs to Liem's previous residence a time or two, but since he'd moved here she had correspondingly moved her visits outside... though more often, she now asked him to visit her and allow her to host, as her home in Alenroux (thanks to... him) was far more suitable for a jinba indoors.

... But this time, his house is the best choice. Surely.

After a brief greeting... she begins maneuvering in. It is an awkward display, trying to get an equine body up the narrow staircase onto his porch and then in past the equally narrow entrance, but... He has seen her at far worse, more than once. She can survive the embarrassment of this. And despite her body, she has a person's mind to dictate where she places her hooves and human hands to help balance when needed, so...]

Pardon me...

[She makes it in. After moving to the side to let him back past her to close the door behind her (she cannot turn around until getting into the main room), she bows more properly... and when she straightens, she has a relatively simple-looking copper bracelet in her hands, marked only by a single clear crystal set in to it that, upon closer inspection, seems to be something that can be turned in its setting.]

... This is what Cetina provided.

[He'd said he had no direct experience, but perhaps he has seen similar... magic objects? She offers it up for inspection either way. Stalling? Maybe. She cannot deny she is not... ~~afraid~~ nervous.]

Supposedly... turning the gem will activate it. But it can only be used once a day before it requires time to recharge. Or so I was told.

[Liem’s home was most definitely not built with jinba guests in mind, a fact that he rues a little as he squeezes past Hayame to close the door behind her, but once she has made it into his main room and he is free to greet her properly, he accepts the bracelet that she offers for him to inspect, holding it delicately between his fingers as he looks at the simple copper and the clear crystal.

It is a simple enough item: enough so, in fact, that when he uses magic to inspect it as he did Hayame’s implanted eye, he is able to discern both the mechanism for its activation and the single daily charge in the magic patterns emanating from it.]

Hm… Yes.

[He nods, then offers the bracelet back to her.]

Such items are more cost effective when a limit like that is built in. Creating one that had the power to function whenever you liked would be, as I understand it, significantly more expensive.

Generally with such an item, the effect lasts a preset length of time. I do not see a means of undoing the spell manually on the item itself, so I assume this is the case?

[He makes the thought a question: did Cetina tell her how long it lasts?]

[Although Hayame considered Liem to be “like her”, in some ways, lumping them together as those that came from worlds with no bizarre metal technologies, clothes that made a certain sense, and more modest comportment in a general sense… sometimes he still did say something that reminded her they came from very different places indeed.

Yes, of course. Cost effective to make the miracle bracelet able to do miracles against what nature should allow only once a day. Yes, yes.

… She still half wonders if it will even work.]

Half a day max, she said. Maybe a little less.

[Accepting the bangle back, she stares at it before beginning to carefully fit it over her hand and onto her wrist. As an archer, she preferred to eschew jewelry anywhere near bow and quiver, but. She wore two bracelets now. The other detected the demonic. Without it… she would not be able to sleep decently. Not these days.]

… Should I expect pain?

[If it wasn’t an illusion, but an actual… change? Not that pain would deter her, not when the uses were potentially as serious as she could imagine for such a power, but.

It’s good to know beforehand. So she can brace for it.]

[Liem seems surprised by her question—and then a little hesitant, a thoughtful frown creasing his brow.]

I would not think so. Certainly I wouldn’t expect it were we in my own country.

[Still… he can’t say definitively that it won’t be painful. Kenos’s magic differs from Golarion’s in some strange and foreign ways. Though he’d think that such spells would be developed with comfort in mind, ultimately it’s not like he can guarantee it.]

… Would you like to hold onto me while you use it?

[To help maintain her balance? Or perhaps just because she seems a little bit nervous…?]

[Hmm. Perhaps there will not be any, somehow? To her, a woman from a world with no magic at all, it seems obvious that there should be pain. Would her body not twist and shrink and... where would her bones go? What about her flesh? Her hooves? She has to stop herself before she thinks any further, because the more grotesque the wondering becomes...

No. She will still do it, because the potential... as much as she hated to need to think of such underhanded tactics, being able to change her shape in this way could allow her to do more for the sake of Meridian's victory. As the only shard-bearer in this generation that did not walk on two legs... She was easy to identify, particularly after the broadcast. She could not travel in Highstorm any longer without being noticed. She had never been able to move effectively in Kowloon because of how narrow the lanes were, how many stairs connected that dark and crowded space. If she could...

She just had to think of it as... "another arrow in her quiver".

His question, though, makes her blink in surprise. Hold onto him? Why would she- ? Oh. The answer comes quickly enough.]

I have been around humans all my life, I should certainly hope I know how they stand up...

[Of all the things she was concerned about, being able to move in a human shape was, perhaps strangely, not one of them. After all... Had she not been raised by humans, and not her own kind? Did she not know from working beside them the limits of a human body, how they walked, the way their legs moved? Surely she can replicate it. But despite the instinct to defend her completely untested abilities...

It's probably not... unwise... As confident as she is that she'd be able to handle acting human... Perhaps at first it might take some adjustment.]

But...

[In that case... Hayame looks down at her hands, and then over to Liem, lips pursing somewhat awkwardly as she reaches out and then... hesitates, her one uncovered eye flicking back up to his face. She has held him before, and... he has held her. She has cradled his Shard in her hands, kept it safe tucked between her breasts. But...

Where should she... ? She finds herself looking to him for guidance on what sort of hold would be appropriate. Er, most useful.]

[She seems confident, so Liem won’t question her further. For all he knows, the magic might help her balance on two legs naturally. Maybe it really won’t be a problem at all.

Even so, when she agrees to his suggestion regardless, he reaches out, soberly suppressing a smile, and takes both her hands to place them on his shoulders. One hand he simply releases, so she can activate the bracelet; his other hand slides up her wrist to steady the bracelet itself.]

Just in case, [he supplies. After all, even if she’s watched humans all her life, the transformation itself might send her off-balance.]

[... Oh, yes. Of course. His shoulders, like when she had come to him for instruction on how to dance as humans did at fancy events such as that masquerade ball held on that mysterious island. Her first instinct is to think that the difference in their heights is too... Except, naturally, she will be... human, so, she will be shorter soon.

In her mind, she assumes... She will still be relatively tall, surely. Because she has simply always been tall, and she conceptualizes herself as towering over those around her. But if she lets herself consider it... will she even still look like herself? Will she have a completely different face? A different body type? Her brow furrows... But she stops herself. If she lets herself consider all those possibilities she might never just do it, so-

Hayame adjusts her brace on his shoulders just so, smoothing his clothing down a bit with her thumb, and... nods.]

... Yes. That may be wise.

[She takes a breath, then just one more,]

Alright...

[Before forcing herself to just do it. Just turn the crystal in the bracelet, so that-]

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konoha D:'ing the fun fact in another dimension...

it’s fine, it’s fine…

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