sterngaze | kenos

[She had practiced this, she had. It had seemed sensible and ready before she greeted him. But now, when she thinks to say it "out loud"... Both the things she intended to tell him sound so absurdly impossible that she feels like an idiot even believing them.

She just "stands" there, longer than she'd like, before finally managing-]

... It seems I have been rewarded for my service, as you were.

[Given that the service for which Liem earned a noble title was well over half a year ago at this point, and that he was offered something else as reward for his (frankly kind of embarrassing) participation in the Harbinger Oracle, his mind does not immediately go in the correct direction.]

For service during the Oracle?

[This makes sense to him. Hayame was much busier than he was, from what he's read and heard.]

What kind of reward? A spell?

Yes.

[She had done… much, during that trial. She had struggled through trap after trap, she had forced herself to wrest away from pleasures and grief various rooms attempted to ply her with, and she had killed Zenite and shadow possessed Meridian alike.

She had craved acknowledgment, in that weak part of her, but she had not expected it would be-]

And no.

I have been granted… rank. The same that you possess, if I recall the name correctly.

Ah—! I see.

[Understanding dawns. He imagines that congratulations are in order—but given Hayame's background, perhaps it is not as simple as that. Even he had been uneasy at the prospect of rank when he'd been forced to pretend at having it, so many months ago in Taldor.]

That makes sense. Are you pleased?

It is an honor. But it is… not something I ever expected to have.

[She had been born into slavery- no, even worse, she had been created expressly to be born into that, and she had never imagined any rank for herself beyond overseer or ~~warrior~~ valued slave. So… it is complicated.

But…]

It is better, though… is it not?

[She seems distinctly uncomfortable asking this, but… Who else is she going to? Liem is the only one she ever told on purpose, before so much just came out in the broadcast-]

Claude von Riegan… is titled.

[… Well, he’s an entire king apparently, but, that’s still a secret maybe, so. Titled. Highly… titled… So- She should be relieved, shouldn’t she? That maybe now… it is less scandalous for him? (No, not him, he never- for… for the sensibilities of his countrymen? Except no, it’s not like she ever realistically thought that-)

… It’s complicated!!!]

[... Oh! Oh, it’s like that...]

That would be up to you and him, wouldn’t it?

[He knows plenty about the workings of politics and the impact of rank on relationships in his own world, in his own country. Here, in this place, between Hayame and Claude? He has no idea.]

Or… have you received judgment, since your relationship became public? My impression was that you are both quite well thought of.

We have received…

[What… what was that even called? She seems distinctly uncomfortable, but… continues trying to forge ahead. If she can’t even discuss it in private-]

Some congratulations…

[From strangers???? Not all the reception was good but most of it was and that-]

That is what is confusing.

[… Did she expect people to disapprove of her relationship? … Yes, yes, she did. They aren’t even the same species and… the titles… and…]

[Liem sees that whatever brought Hayame to speak with him today, it was not only the matter of her new title. He thinks he understands a little of what has driven her, even if their lives still remain very different.]

… You can probably guess that in my own country, I was not in the habit of conducting myself openly in terms of my relationships.

[Partially one might guess this from the fact that Liem has been painstakingly private about his personal life for most of the time he’s been here—but also, she knows that he is half-vampire, and that this is not a proud thing to be. A human man in Hayame’s country might be made ashamed of taking a jinba bride, but at least there was no possible way such a union could ever lead to a child. In some ways, Liem thinks, that is a blessing.]

I did not want the people I was close to to be publicly associated with me, for their sake—but Kenos is not like that. Especially Springstar, I feel; the people here celebrate the union of different things.

Maybe it would be different if you were of greatly different status in this world—if one of you was of Zenith instead, or born here instead of a shard-bearer. But I am sure that, as far as most in Kenos are concerned, you and Claude von Riegan are peers, and besides which, you conduct yourselves modestly in public. There is no reason for most to take issue with your relationship.

[She definitely just came to speak to him about the title... and the other thing... but, you know... if it came up...

And it seemed Liem understood. In a way a human could not if she attempted to discuss this.]

That is... I was of the same thought. His title was one thing, but I did... I did not wish for others to label him perverse, or damage his reputation as a peacemaker.

[Even if the two of them did not see eye to eye on that, still sometimes disagreed about how Meridian should act... It was the role and duty he had chosen, and she did not wish to be a smear upon it. She had been sure that it would do that, even knowing that she must be letting her experiences in her own world influence her thinking. She had a reputation as a warmonger, as one of the most hardline faction members in Springstar. And... Humans fucked jinba, mostly making use of more human mouths... but not in public, and not as people, not as lovers. She knew of no example of a jinba and a human together in any way that was not ownership, humiliation, or domination. That is why it had taken months to accept that man's feelings, months then to become intimate, and-

And now everyone just knew and-]

... He said that. That we could perhaps inspire the citizens here. That we could help give them hope. But that if I could not... then he would handle it. Our... image.

But is that-

... It is unfair of me. Is it not?

[Like when she had first told him, is she... just sort of hoping that Liem will condemn or chastise her, just a little? Maybe. But she's not sure. If she wants to hear "yes" or "no".]

I don’t think you have damaged it; not that I’ve seen.

[Sure, some people might think their relationship bizarre, but by and large? He has seen no such sentiments.]

This sounds like something you should take Claude’s word on rather than mine. Is your desire for privacy not just as legitimate as his desire to use your sudden publicity for a political purpose?

[Liem sure thinks it is. Please don’t fucking look at him, he hates seeing his private life in the news.]

Unless you want to support him, and you were hoping for a firm push. Perhaps it would be good for you: to pursue a relationship goal as not just lovers, but partners.

[She does not want to see... and yet she has to try and see now in order to ascertain what is being said... and her desire for privacy wars with the fact that desire or not, the secret has been ripped open and spread all about no matter how she might have wished it hadn't. She cannot hide it now or deny it. So what... But she also cannot allow even the slightest potential misunderstanding that-]

It is not...

Even though I knew... Even though he said he would claim me proudly and openly... I am the one who asked him not to. He respected that, even though... I doubt any other women would have asked him to do so.

[Any other woman... would surely treat him better than she does, so why- Why is that foolish man-]

I do not doubt that he would respect it now, too, if I asked him. Even if it is now so pointless to try.

[But she's just so...]

...

I was not... I am not something that was ever intended to be a lover. Or a partner.

[... Liem understands, that, doesn't he? (She does not even realize she said "something" and not "someone".)]

Hayame…

[A soft frown descends over his features.]

Do you not feel like you can be? Because you weren’t taught how?

[She feels, in that moment, such an intense feeling of deja vu. To that confrontation months and months ago, after months of avoiding that man after he confessed his feelings for her. To his voice, stern and hurt and concerned when it cut to the core of why she had struggled to accept his words. Who are you trying to convince, here? Ask yourself that honestly.. But she’d spent almost her whole life refusing to honestly see certain things in order to live, so-

... Do you think you're unlovable?]

…

[Of course she had never been taught how. Her own parents had been a stallion chosen for stud based on his obedience and swift genes and a dam chosen simply because she had a womb. They had never held her or loved her, and they had certainly never loved each other, come together only a few times for groom-supervised mounting in the breeding stall. None of the grooms at the stables had wives, the most she had ever seen was an occasional prostitute, and her own fate… she’d always known what it was supposed to be. To be sold untouched, and then after…

They are not the same Aspect, but they have known each other… a long time, now. She has come to him… somewhat ready to be open.

So he’ll sense it. All that. The insecurity that she’d never been given cause to feel from another, but from her own past, her own hearts…

The way she seems to reluctantly admit that he might not be wrong.]

[The silence between them speaks volumes, even without the faint bleed of insecurity that slides from her like meltwater, spreading slippery chill over the smooth stone. Long, lonely years come back to Liem as that moment stretches on: years of certainty that among all the qualities one might see in him, desirability as a partner and a companion could not possibly be one. Even now, he is more than a little convinced this remains true.

It’s just that he can’t afford to let that stop him anymore.]

Hayame. Do you wish to stay with Claude as a lover and a partner, and be someone who he can be proud to have at his side?

[He assumes the answer is yes. There is really no other reason she could be here, speaking with him. But this, he wants her to say.]

[Hayame’s years have not stretched on as long as Liem’s have… but the core is the same. Among all the qualities one might see in her, desirability as a partner and a companion could not possibly be one. Even now, she is more than a little convinced this remains true.

It’s just that…

All of the reasons to say “no” bubble up, bleeding out into the snow and ice like the rest had, blanketing the silent stone with the things she struggles to admit even to herself. It has to be impossible, because… they were of different species, different cultures, different ranks. She had to return to her world to keep her vow, and in doing so… she might die. Even if he said he would come with her, was it even possible? Could she even let him, when he had an entire country counting on him in his own home? And he… he was a king, he would need heirs of his body. They might not even make it, they could die here in Kenos, or the Oracle trial could fail, they could be forgotten like all the other generations of shard-bearers…

But today? Tomorrow?

Hayame shivers in the cold before finally, quietly, the shameful, selfish admission comes that… even if it’s foolish, even if it’s weak, even if it’s just some fleeting, painful dream,]

… I do.

Edited 2024-01-16 01:15 (UTC)

[In the face of her shame, Liem’s measured voice is gentle.]

That is more important than what your stablemaster wished for you, or saw fit to teach you in your own country.

[Was she not, after all, a different woman than she’d been two years ago? There is more about her that has changed than just the eye in her left socket or the shard in her breast.]

You are not bound to his legacy, and you can deviate from what was meant for you if you want. You already have.

[Hayame doesn’t know if Liem ever understood why she had looked to him like she had from the very moment they’d met in that space between worlds before Horos. It’s that voice. It’s those words.

They shame her. And humble her. And… they give her just enough hope that maybe… just maybe… She can be better. And have better.

The snow falls… slower. Softer. And after a long moment when she tries to find the words to thank him for saying that… Hayame remembers that this is Communion. The gratitude comes through clear enough. So maybe it’s fine that she doesn’t… that she can’t think of the exact words. This way… it’s better. If she opened her “mouth” she might accidentally protest, say something like “but-“

… And she doesn’t want to.]

Then I will accept it.

[And strive to be worthy of it. The title of Decurion. (And… a lover and partner that had sworn to always stand by her side, no matter what. Who was still there, somehow, even now that everyone knew.)

But that still leaves…]

There is… one more thing I received from Cetina.

Do you have experience with…

Is there… magic in your world that can change a person’s shape, Liem? Not just your face, like those illusion sorts.

[As the snowfall slows, the yellow glow of the candles seems to brighten just a little. Liem's expression seems warmer—though he, too, moves on.]

No direct experience, myself, though such magic exists: magic to change one person into another, or a person into a beast, or a monster into a common animal. Such magic is generally the purview of arcanists, rather than those of the church.

[Certain entities were known to change their shapes, as well, like the kitsune of Tian Xia, or some kinds of true dragon. Fun fact: the psychopomp who very nearly sliced his head off originally made contact with his party in the form of a human man.]

Did Cetina give you an item with shape-changing magic in it?

[She may have... She might be different now, in some ways, from the bitter, angry, isolated woman who had come to Kenos over a year past, but... To linger on such topics too long, to speak about them... like she imagines normal people did... It's still a bit too much. Just this much was... It was hard. And terrifying. ... And enough, for now. His words had the impact she... required. So. So now, in a slightly warmer, softer space-

(More importantly... one in which she felt somewhat safe admitting weakness-)]

... Yes.

I reported things we had learned, and what might need to be done from now... But I had mentioned that there was nothing I could do about the issue of Kowloon. About anything occurring in Highstorm. Not when I was the only shard-bearer of our generation to be-

[Not human. Not human "enough" in shape.]

Four-legged. Illusions and spells would do nothing to disguise me the moment I went into a crowd or someone tried to touch me.

She gave me something that can be used to make me human. Temporarily.

[So what? She just came to tell him? Yes, she did think it was good for him to know, as a skill Meridian now had access to but she would not be advertising publicly in order to keep it useful, but-

More importantly...]

... I would feel more at ease if someone were with me. When I first attempted it.

[Someone with at least a little experience with magics as that. And if it went wrong, if something happened... She didn't want Claude to have to see.]

Of course. Are you at home?

[He could visit her quite easily, if she wants help figuring out the use of her item, and also probably the use of her legs. But then he thinks: Claude might be there, or might drop by without warning, given that he seems to live with her at least part time. If she is contacting Liem rather than him… perhaps she would prefer if that did not happen.]

Or… would you like to stop by my residence?

[… Bingo!

After a brief pause in which she debates admitting she’s already near there or not-]

That would be preferred, yes.

Of course. I'm at home, so, feel free to stop by.

[Liem is probably in the middle of hanging laundry or something, but it'll only take him a few more minutes to finish. He can surely be done before she arrives. It's not like she's already right there... right?]

I see. I am in Springstar today, so I will see you shortly.

[… “Thank you”.

No. Surely he is aware she is grateful. She will save the words for a more important time, such as… after he has overseen the transformation. That makes the most sense, naturally. With the mental impression of a bow, she departs his mind.

And after waiting ten minutes or so just to be polite and perhaps semi-believable…

She arrives at Liem’s home, ready to knock… or, you know, awkwardly raise a hand to wave if he’s outside.]

[Fortunately, ten minutes or so is sufficient for Liem to finish hanging his linens and to be returning in through his back door when he hears a knock echoing through the house. Setting the empty basket aside, he hurries to the front door so he can answer it, swinging it open to gaze up at the jinba woman waiting half-on the decidedly not-jinba-sized porch.]

Hayame— Please, ah, come in.

[He’ll move back to accommodate her entrance, retreating further into the house so she can duck through his front door. The townhouse he purchased is unfortunately rather typical of Springstar, which means it’s narrow and has multiple levels, in the interest of fitting a good amount of house on not too much land. Usually he would just invite her around to the back garden, but his neighbours can definitely see down into his yard from their upper floors. It is not especially private.

Fortunately, after the narrow entranceway, the main floor of Liem’s home is mostly open, the sitting room transitioning into a dining area and then a kitchen, with nary a wall in between. There is room to maneuver at least, even if none of the furniture is suitable for a jinba’s use.]

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konoha D:'ing the fun fact in another dimension...

it’s fine, it’s fine…

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